This sad, violent, pestilent world of ours would be absolutely unbearable if we didn’t make lots and lots of jokes about it. With this in mind, we at the Alibi came up with the hiiiiillllaaaarrrriiiiooouuusss idea to brighten up this holiday season with an issue devoted to the fine art of joke telling. We got lots of people from the community to share their favorite jokes with us. We also asked several experts to discuss the various philosophies, strategies and risks associated with humor, so that even if you don’t laugh your buns off at these jokes, at least you’ll get an education.

Editor’s Note: We asked UNM’s Philosophy Department if a professor would be interested in commenting on the philosophical implications of humor--why people try to get others to laugh, the purpose of laughter, strategies for getting people to laugh, etc. Prof. Iain Thomson was kind enough to humor us.

So you want to tell a joke, do ya? But you just don’t have the chops. Instead of heartfelt belly laughs, your punch lines receive responses like, “Oh … I think I get it,” “Is that the end?” or “Why have you done this to me and my family? Leave my house.”

Nothing is as uniquely ego-wounding and embarrassing as the awkward silence following a bad joke.

Think twice before drinking from your tap. According to recent studies by Sandia National Laboratories, 13 organic carcinogenic compounds have been detected in two monitoring wells in or near the labs’ Mixed Waste Landfill, located near Kirtland Airforce Base. It’s a discovery that doesn’t sit well with local government watchdog group Citizen Action, who believes the contaminants could pose a health risk for Albuquerqueans.

A Print Journalist's View on TV News--I've always harbored a simmering hatred for TV news.

Irate citizens hurled verbal pitchforks at the administration and City Council during the Nov. 20 Council meeting.

When we last rode the Trolley Named Folly, Mayor Martin Chavez and City Council President Martin Heinrich hit us with a massive tax increase to pay for a $270 million streetcar line along Central ["The Streetcar Railroad," Nov. 23-29]. But they weren’t able to slip this massive project by without the public taking notice. So now they’ve promised to let us vote on it [read this week's "Council Bite” on page 8 for more details]. How considerate of them.

I’m the last guy to stand up for Wal-Mart. Sure, they sell stuff cheap, but it’s because they pay substandard wages, offer few full-time jobs, stiff employees on health insurance and force suppliers to sell below market or lose huge contracts. But I have to admit, I feel sorry for them for the grief they’re getting from the radical Christian right over the company’s ties to gay and lesbian groups.

A lot of the post-election discussion about Iraq has centered on when (not if) we should start pulling out our troops. John McCain serves as the lonely holdout for sending in more troops, while Congressman Charles Rangel suggests it’s time to reinstitute the draft—and spread around the misery.

Dateline: England--Dedicated James Bond fan David Fearn has legally changed his name to all 21 official 007 film titles. The 23-year-old from Walsall, Stratfordshire, is now known as “James Dr. No From Russia With Love Goldfinger Thunderball You Only Live Twice On Her Majesty’s Secret Service Diamonds Are Forever Live And Let Die The Man With The Golden Gun The Spy Who Loved Me Moonraker For Your Eyes Only Octopussy A View To A Kill The Living Daylights License To Kill Golden Eye Tomorrow Never Dies The World Is Not Enough Die Another Day Casino Royale Bond.” The 69-word name is the longest in the UK Deed Poll Service’s history.

Q: Dear Chef Boy Ari,

What’s the big deal with sea salt? It’s way more expensive than regular salt, and until I can be enlightened as to its advantages, I see no reason to buy it.

—Lick of Sense

A: Dear Lick,

According to Healing With Whole Foods, by Paul Pitchford, your table variety iodized salt “… is not the whole salt used for millennia by traditional people around the world, but the highly refined chemical variety that is 99.5 percent or more sodium chloride, with additions of anti-caking chemicals, potassium iodide and dextrose to stabilize the iodine.” This stuff, he says, not sea salt, is behind many salt-linked ailments, while whole salt, which is usually derived from the sea, contains as many as 60 trace minerals. Pitchford speculates that perhaps people eat too much salt these days in an effort to get minerals that are stripped from processed salt. He also warns against processed sea salt, which may also be lacking in these minerals.

I’m in the middle of eating tempura, gnawing on my new favorite piece of fried veggie matter—a yummy shredded onion and carrot patty, golden-fried to crispy perfection--when I experience what movie buffs call a "flashback." Suddenly it’s 1986, the day after Thanksgiving, and my grammy is in the kitchen finding creative ways to use up leftovers. I walked over to the stove (in my Underoos and rainbow Mork from Ork suspenders—I have photos) and peered into the shallow frying pan on the stove.

Breathing some fresh air into the tannic Albuquerque wine scene, the Slate Street Café’s wine loft dazzles from its understated modern décor to its masterfully minimal wine selection. Envisioned by the proprietor, sommelier Myra Ghattas, and brilliantly executed by manager Damon Scott, the loft is the place to go to relax and enjoy a wonderfully unique glass of wine in a comfortable yet chic environment.

NM Filmmakers Exposed!--The seventh annual Santa Fe Film Festival gets underway this coming Wednesday, Dec. 6. The five-day festival will feature workshops, lectures, parties and, of course, films from around the world. If you can’t wait until Wednesday, you may want to head up to Santa Fe early so you can check out the New Mexico Film Expo.

At the beginning of Lunacy, Jan Svankmajer shows up to assure audiences that his latest effort is a horror film and “not a work of art.” Art, he informs us, is all but dead, anyway. The film at hand is nothing more than an “infantile tribute” to the works of Edgar Allan Poe and the Marquis de Sade. Of course, I don’t buy it any more than Svankmajer does, but it’s an interesting way to get things started.

Vice Magazine is one of those übercool glossy rags you usually find safely tucked away on the bookshelf of any self-respecting hipster (next to those copies of Giant Robot and back issues of Love & Rockets, no doubt). Operating out of New York City since 1996, Vice was established by a trio of friends with the intention of covering taboo issues and counterculture in all its messy glory. And with articles such as “Bukkake On My Face: Welcome to the Ancient Tradition of the Japanese Facial,” I would say they have their particular market nailed. So it came as a welcome surprise when the fine folks at Vice decided to release their Vice Guide To Travel, a nifty little DVD/book combo which takes us to those parts of the world many adventurous souls talk about visiting, but few seldom do.

Smoke This--NBC is mulling over the idea of turning the hit satire Thank You For Smoking into a TV series. The story started as a novel by Christopher Buckley and was made into a movie starring Aaron Eckhart. Now former “Six Feet Under” and “West Wing” scribe Rick Cleveland is writing a pilot script for the proposed NBC series. According to Variety, the show would be a half-hour comedy about spin doctor Nick Naylor as he sets up his own PR firm. Although the film concentrated on the smoking industry, the series would apparently involve Nick going to bat for a variety of unpopular clients.

Remembering Linda Cotton--Linda Cotton, New Mexico's first lady of music, died of an apparent heart attack on Thanksgiving Day. She was 55. Linda's local singing career spanned 25 years, sharing her memorable and distinctive voice--one that fused jazz style-phrasing with the chameleon qualities of blues, funk, R&B and gospel--in dozens of venues, including Civic Plaza, the Albuquerque Museum Amphitheater and Popejoy Hall. Her supporters remember her as a warm, generous woman who took great pleasure in helping others. Linda often lent her talents to organizations like Working Classroom through benefit concerts, and volunteered with the Barrett House shelter for homeless families and the Alliance for Albuquerque Animals. As one of her many supporters reflected, "She had a big heart, a great sense of humor and she did not suffer fools." Our thoughts and prayers are with those who love her.

The Compound (3206 San Mateo NE) presents New Mexico's Elite Battle of the Bands, a diabolic smörgåsbord of the state's most skull-crushing metal. All-ages shredding by End to End, Manias, Vale of Miscreation, Cadaveric Engorgement and Deforme. Friday, Dec. 1, at 7 p.m. Cost is $10. (LM)

Last month, George W. Bush signed election-year legislation authorizing the construction of a fence along 700 miles of the United States border with Mexico. The fence will begin in Calexico, Calif.--ironically, the namesake township of desert rock outfit-cum-immigration advocacy spokesmen Calexico, who've been touring for more than a decade. It’s as though George found them.

You’re all I’ve got tonight ... again! Former Cars frontman Ric Ocasek must have been too busy flushing Weezer down the toilet to join his former bandmates on stage as leader of the unholy reformation of his once-great pop-rock band. The New Cars (or The Old Cars, whichever you prefer), now led by Todd Rundgren, are prowling the casino circuit on the "Road Rage Winter Tour." Ladies, lock up your grandmothers!

Albuquerque foursome Agency E has been kicking out a provocative mix of hip-hop and rock for just one year. On the eve of the release of their first album, Weight of Days, the band met up with the Alibi for some therapeutic musing and a PowerPoint presentation.

Nutcracker on Ice ... I Mean, the Rocks—Amazingly, 2006 marks the 10th year that the folks over at the Keshet Dance Company have staged their popular rock 'n' roll version of the classic holiday ballet. They will ... they will ... rock you. (Sorry, I hit the eggnog early this morning.)

Sometimes “sick days” bring more than a well-deserved break. A year ago, on one particular sick day, I found inspiration. I picked up a magazine and read about Cities of Asylum, an organization that gives refuge to persecuted artists from around the world in the United States. The article mentioned a persecuted artist—a journalist, actually—living in Santa Fe. I did some research and found the name: Fernando Garavito.

The Fusion Theatre Company spreads some holiday cheer with a new production of Anna Christie by Eugene O'Neill, otherwise known as Mr. Cheerful himself. The play revolves around the reunion of a father and daughter, and the threat posed to their relationship by an erratic young man. Directed by Laurie Thomas, Anna Christie opens this week at the Cell Theatre (700 First Street NW). It runs through Dec. 22. This should be a good one. Thursday through Saturday at 8 p.m. Sunday at 2 p.m. $22 general, $17 students/seniors. Thursday performances, excluding opening night, feature a student rush ($10 with valid ID) and actor rush ($15 with professional résumé). 766-9412, www.fusionabq.org.

Now that the presidential biographers have picked clean the American pantheon, from Washington to Bush, it's becoming apparent that the real founding fathers of this country may have been our early capitalists.

Filmmaker Darren Aronofsky sailed into Hollywood on his own unique terms. His first film, the artsy sci-fi thriller Pi, was shot for a mere $60,000. It went on to win the Director’s Award at the 1998 Sundance Film Festival and was snapped up for $1 million by Artisan Entertainment. His second feature, the coal-dark drug drama Requiem for a Dream, ended up on numerous Top Ten lists in 2000 and nominated for an Academy Award.

How will you spend this holiday season? Will your days between Thanksgiving and Christmas be spent welcoming an ongoing tide of out-of-town relatives? Or will you seek escape in the quiet confines of your local movie theater? If it’s going to be the latter, you’re in good stead. You’ll have rock stars, politicians, dragons, Nazis, spies, soldiers, smugglers, serial killers and at least one Messiah to keep you company.

Alerting All Animators--To showcase the talent the Southwest has to offer, the New Mexico Adobe User Group is hosting its first annual “Best in the SW Flash Animation and Motions Graphics Festival.” As a way of celebrating the recent growth of the film industry in New Mexico, the group is encouraging local creative types to participate in this digitally animated event. Grand prize is Adobe Studio 8--a tasty bit of software with a retail value of $999! Prizes will be awarded for Best of Show, Best Cartoon, Best Motion Graphic and Best Student Work. Deadline to enter is midnight, Nov. 26, 2006. Best in the SW Animation Festival will take place Dec. 2, from 4 to 5 p.m. at the close of AdobeQuerque, the Adobe Creative Tools Mini-Conference taking place at UNM’s Continuing Ed. Winning entries will be posted on the Best in the SW website. For complete details, visit the website (www.bestinthesw.com) or e-mail info@bestinthesw.com. For more information about the Adobe Users Group or details on the AdobeQuerque conference, log on to www.nmaug.com.

I was born in 1968, that pivotal year in which American innocence curled up and died alongside Martin Luther King Jr. and Bobby Kennedy. Most of my memories of that history-making time, quite naturally, revolve around sleeping, crying and staring at breasts. (Which, come to think of it, isn't all that different from my memories of freshman year at college.) Others, of course, have much more vivid recollections of the era.

There’s a lot to admire but not quite as much to love about The Fountain, the new film from edgy indie director Darren Aronofsky (Pi, Requiem for a Dream). Difficult to discuss and impossible to categorize, the film is a beautiful, brilliant and frequently baffling art house tone poem about life, death and immortality. While The Fountain’s commercial prospects are dim at best, it wouldn’t be at all strange to find the film an eventual object of curious cult worship.

To say that “My Boys,” the new sitcom from TBS, is inspired by “Sex and the City” is a bit of an understatement. It’s basically the same show, tweaked slightly to ensure slightly more male demographic appeal.

My experience with skateboarding is extremely limited. When I was eight or nine years old, I inherited a decrepit, extra-skinny fiberglass board from some older kid on the block. I rode it around the neighborhood for about a month until the back wheels fell off. I don't think I ever rode another skateboard again.

Ireland could begin producing a torrent of world-class chemists, shot putters, pet doctors or dentists, but it will be a long while before it escapes its reputation as the place where people can do three things better than anywhere else in the world: sing, drink and spout poetry.

Forget turkey; Thanksgiving is all about the taters. Each November, we Americans take great pride in crowding every inch of available stove surface with pots of buttery, golden, lumpy (or smooth, if you must) mashed potatoes. Then we heap it onto our plates like Richard Dreyfuss in Close Encounters of the Third Kind. It's glorious. I can almost hear my inner child singing "mashed potatoes" to the chorus of Handel's "Messiah."

So I’m sitting in this restaurant, enjoying the best tureen of coconut-lemongrass soup I’ve ever eaten, and all I can think about is the poor dragon fish circling around the tank next to my table. He looked angry and was obviously depressed--I swear he was suicidal. Maybe he was worried about the coming ’08 election. Maybe he saw the previews for the new Matthew Broderick Christmas movie. I finished my meal, sad for the fish but glad for my soup.

The flood of arguments just kept coming. Highland High School proponents see it as an issue of race and class, with the upper-crust Four Hills withdrawing from the diverse Southeast Heights school's district. Four Hills parents say they just want their kids to go to school together from kindergarten through 12th grade and have their homes within the Manzano High boundary. "White flight" was the phrase used by critics.

Sickness!—It's gross, or as my kid brother would say, "grody."

There's still a lot that needs to be done, but Leonard Garcia predicts the city's recycling program for apartment complexes will be up and running before spring. Garcia, director of the Solid Waste Department, estimates the amount of stuff recycled from the city's waste stream will climb from 10 percent to 12 percent once complexes of 25 dwellings or more are required to provide bins for their tenants.

If you are willing to ride the bus up and down Central for $10,000, you can help save Albuquerque a couple hundred million dollars. To find out how, keep reading.

If there’s one place students don’t want to be, it’s in Mr. J’s A.S.S. “After school suspension,” explains Mr. J. “Sometimes kids need acronyms.”

Now that the canvassing board has finished its accounting, the results of the 2006 election have been finalized and the victors at the polls sent off to get to work on behalf of the public good, at last we can get busy with … the 2008 campaign!

Dateline: Russia--A Russian woman who drank more than 1,300 gallons of Coca Cola has successfully sued the soft drink giant for making her ill. Natalya Kashuba, 27, the owner of a fancy clothing boutique, consumed up to 3 quarts of the soda every day for five years. She took legal action against the soft drink company after claiming she suffered insomnia and heartburn. Miss Kashuba said she became addicted to the drink as a result of a promotional offer that allowed consumers to swap Coca Cola caps for prizes. Dozens of inflatable mattresses and radios she won were used as key evidence in the case. The plaintiff’s lawyer said that as a result of an examination by a gastroenterologist in October 2005, his client was diagnosed with a chronic condition “whose main symptom was heartburn.” Two Russian courts agreed that Coca Cola had failed to warn of the potential health risks of drinking too much Coke and awarded Ms. Kashuba just under $100. Kashuba is seeking a further $100,000 from Coca Cola in “moral damages.”

Owl Green--The Launchpad doesn't really have a roof, so in an attempt to rid itself of the pigeons that routinely bomb the upstairs chamber with their mess, a fake owl was placed near the point of entry in hopes that it would scare the birds away. Whether or not it worked, the fake owl became an esteemed member of the Launchpad ménage, going on to take part in special Launchpad performances, and overseeing the bar's beer taps. Owl Green is that fake bird's name, and now a new establishment in town is its namesake. Word has it that longtime Launchpad barkeep Noelan Ramirez has opened Owl Green's Music, a downtown music store catering to folks in need of last-minute supplies, designed for convenience, not competition. In addition to sundries like cables, picks and drumsticks, he will also carry more substantial equipment, such as keytars, bongo drums and fiddle sticks. Just kidding: He'll actually have major brands as well as consignment guitars, amps, drums and stuff. And since Noelan is a drummer, he's carrying a special line of percussion instruments, including tambourines affixed with disco lights (that's right, dream weaver). All of this will fit into a small space in the shop strip at 121 Seventh Street NW between Central and Copper, which is close enough to the Launchpad for OG to fly back and forth between the two. Temporarily, the hours are 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. Monday through Saturday, but the store will soon be open until 9 p.m. Call 243-1889 for more information.

Talib Kweli isn’t landing at the Sunshine Theater until next Thursday, Nov. 30, but you’ll need this extra time to scrape together the $20 to get in. All-ages, with Buckshot (Black Moon and Boot Camp Clik) opening. (LM)

Andrew Chaikin wanted to be a drummer. But he didn't have a kit, so the rhythm just started using his mouth. That's how San Francisco’s beatbox master known as Kid Beyond describes his high school days, back when his stage time was spent with the glee club or in musical theater. Chaikin's voice is hoarse as he travels to New Orleans to play the House of Blues, the ninth performance on his 28-city tour with Imogen Heap. The nonstop shows are taking their toll. "I never in a million years ... if you said 'What are you going to be when you grow up?' professional beatboxer would not have crossed my mind.'"

There's nothing better than being a part of something that's happening right now. My superficial preoccupation with discovering the newest, secret-est band is an exercise in self indulgence I’m happy to entertain, especially when it leads me to something as exceptionally unique as Brooklyn’s Asobi Seksu.

Most quizzes either evaluate our inadequacy regarding academics or tell us whether he’s a stud or a dud. This one, however, is designed to help you determine your shopping style in hopes that this year, in the face of rampant materialism and the demise of your savings, you’ll have a more efficient and overall successful shopping experience.

Awww. Look at the widdle pups. And the widdle kitties. Aren't they just the cutest? Unfortunately, life for animals in Albuquerque isn't always as good as it should be. That's why the Alliance puts together this calendar with the help of dozens of Albuquerque individuals and businesses. All proceeds go to help improve the lives of animals in city shelters.

What could be more humanitarian than encouraging your friends to make babies? The world must be peopled! Help your best mates to wallow in sticky, sweaty humanity with a set of mood-enhancing, evil paraben-free products from Emerita. They'll get massage oil, stimulating response cream, warming and natural lubricants, two tea candles and a cute keepsake box. You'll be thanked for years to come.

Give this decorative hummingbird playground to the guy from sales who always complains about his wife's obsession with her flower garden. His constant rumbling will become less about the frickin' garden and more about how she won't shut up about the beautiful Ivy Hanger and the hummingbirds. Pure bliss.

Don’t mess around: Just buy this book for everyone on your list. It’s a simple, easy, time-saving strategy, and there’s a good chance everyone on your list would love this book, anyway. What’s it about? Everything. How to lose weight, give yourself a facial peel, find a good doctor, survive an airplane crash, cook a gourmet meal, buy a home, fix a leaky toilet, play pool … everything. It’s a useful how-to guide that would complement any bookshelf or coffee table. And it’s fascinating. There: Christmas is solved.

PaperGami carries the largest selection of Japanese paper in the country. Yeah, you heard us. Japanese paper, which is hand silk-screened, makes ideal art paper since it doesn’t break down when glued. But PaperGami offers much more than paper; like these adorable guest soaps shaped like piglets, which are the most delicious thing we may have ever smelled. Oh, and these Mexican calendar girls cards, which are too cool to pass up.

Big spending gourmands can drop some spare change on this lovely mother-of-pearl caviar plate and spoon. Add a nice one-ounce jar of Ostra caviar for a mere $20 or go nuts on Russian Sevruga caviar for $67.95. In anticipation of the holiday gift-giving season, Fremont's has expanded beyond mere tasty titdbits. The store has shelfloads of fine imported household goods, including tea sets from Britain, silk tablecloths from India and hand-woven table-runners from the Philippines.

Film For the People, By the People--Basement Films sponsors round three of its Cinema Publicus series this Thursday, Nov. 16, at 8 p.m. Filmmakers, bring your short films (seven minutes max) on DVD, VHS or 16mm for an open-sheet screening at SolArts (712 Central SE) in downtown ABQ. Film watchers, bring your ... eyeballs, I guess. Come check out art/garbage/home movies/works-in-progress. You never know what you’ll get at these things. Admission is free, so get there early to claim your seat. For more info, log on to www.basementfilms.org.

Richard Linklater’s adaptation of Fast Food Nation isn’t the first film to make fictional fun of a popular nonfiction book. In 1972, Woody Allen turned the self-help sex manual Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask into a feature-length sketch comedy. In 2004, “SNL” grad Tina Fey used Rosalind Wiseman’s academic examination of teenage cliques, Queen Bees and Wannabes, as the source of her high school comedy Mean Girls. Now, Eric Schlosser’s best-selling nutritional analysis of the supersizing of America has been transformed into an ensemble drama/comedy.

Have you ever been to the movies with your parents and had to squirm your way through an explicit sex scene? Inevitably, you’re greeted with an indignant, post-film rant along the lines of, “Why do they have to show that? I don’t want to see that. What’s the point of exposing all that skin?” Sound familiar? Well, then you probably don’t want to take mom and dad to see John Cameron Mitchell’s conspicuously unrated Shortbus.

Tara Ariano and Sarah D. Bunting are the founders of TelevisionWithoutPity.com, a TV review website known for its pithy weekly recaps. Recently, Quirk Books published the duo’s spin-off book Television Without Pity, helpfully subtitled 752 Things We Love to Hate (and Hate to Love) About TV.

What's the first thing you do when you find out your partner is cheating on you? And you don’t have a gun or a good attorney? You drink. But which wine goes best with the bitter taste of infidelity? Any wine, preferably one with a high alcohol content. Alcohol will soothe the cold, hard reality, not to mention pain, of being 33 and single again. Here are five wines that will aid you in your recovery and help you rejoin your journey towards self-actualization—alone.

Dear Chef Boy Ari: I just heard something on the radio about fried Coke. That sounds 1) totally disgusting, and 2) kind of impossible. I would think that the Coke would dissipate into the grease, and you would basically have to drink the grease in order to drink the fried Coke. What am I missing here?

Let’s face it: The holidays come earlier every year. While out buying the stuff to make my kid’s Halloween costume in mid-October, I was already getting barraged with those big Santa/reindeer/snowman lawn globes, to which my kid quipped, “It should be Christmas all year long!” My holiday visions, sans sugar plums, were of my dad yelling about Ritz crackers, my siblings arguing over whose children had better manners and me wondering if my in-laws’ house was quieter.

It's over. Well, almost over. Tens of thousands of you marched to the polls on Election Day, determined to cast votes that would decide our state's and country's future. Slightly more than a week later, the results are in.

“We need to get us some of that there re-form.”

I went out Saturday morning to pick the daily paper off the lawn and take down my “Madrid for Congress” signs. It was, after all, four full days after the polls closed. I went to bed Friday night with the image of a smiling Heather Wilson toasting her victory with a glass of orange juice still vivid in my memory.

Election Eve Council meetings often end early, but on Nov. 6 one blockbuster bill and several side dishes kept councilors working late. Councilor Debbie O'Malley sponsored an administration proposal to expand city recycling services to multi-family dwellings of more than 25 units. The proposal passed unanimously.

In “The Real Side” ["Now Starring in the People's Republic of Albuquerque!" Oct. 26-Nov. 1], I wrote about the curious coincidence of Albuquerque attracting former leaders of The Black Panther Party, EarthFirst! and The Weather Underground. In the column, I imagined the ex-radicals holding forth about their regrets and their take on current events. Mark Rudd, formerly of The Weather Underground, accepted that invitation. Here’s my conversation with a man who helped form an organization that bombed the Capitol and for a decade waged war against the United States of America.

Don't Forget—It's a good story. Pat Tillman, a defensive back for the Arizona Cardinals, left the NFL and penned his name to a stint with the Army Rangers, forgoing a $3.6 million contract. Talk about your American hero. That move's got football, war and sacrifice all in one.

Dateline: England--A 22-year-old lad who came up with the brilliant idea of launching a bottle rocket out of his own backside in celebration of Bonfire Night ended up in a Sunderland hospital with a scorched colon. “We received a call stating there was a male who had a firework in his bottom and it was bleeding,” Douglas McDougal, from the North East Ambulance Service, told BBC News. The man was described as being in stable condition following the removal of a Black Cat Thunderbolt Rocket from his rectum. “He sustained fairly significant injuries,” reported McDougal. “There’s a lot of major blood vessels ’round that area, so infection would probably be a huge problem for him. And also the body naturally produces methane gas, so combine that with the firework and the exploding effect with methane’s flammability--it certainly could have been a lot worse than it really was.”

I'm Dreaming of a Hot, Black Christmas--Every couple I know has a list. Not the double-checked Christmas variety with presents and candy canes and good will toward men, mind you. I'm talking about a list of celebrities that, if you happened to meet and the celebrity in question was actually inclined, you'd be allowed to toss your wedding ring out the window for 15 minutes of fame, free and clear. If you know what I mean.

Progressive metallurgists Opus Dai return to Burt's Tiki Lounge (free, 21-and-over) with Left Brain and Devil Riding Shotgun. See "Music Magnified," Aug. 10-16, 2006, for more dirt on the band. (LM)

Being pigeonholed into a category, sound or style isn't something most musicians appreciate. Still, qualifiers like "we don't really fit into any category" sound nebulous and self-important--and could be the kiss of death for a genre-defying band trying to be heard.

"Vampling" does not mean "baby vampire."

It's a portmanteau for "video audio sampling."

James Schneider is a vampler, a breed of artist that can encompass names like Negativland, TV Sheriff or The Light Surgeons. But Schneider may be the first to vample the way he vamples. "It's fluid performance on the fly," he says, and though he's been on the lookout for others of his kind, he hasn't seen them yet. "I'm not familiar with other people doing it. I have been looking around."

Perhaps due to attempts by the very wrong Christian right to dominate the landscape, more recordings of Christmas music have recently come my way than at any time in the past seven years. Arbitrarily skipping through the pile uncovers choice stuffings for your stocking. Of course, if you’re into pantyhose or dreidels, you may wish to look elsewhere.

Romeo, Romeo—Where the hell are you, Romeo? The Albuquerque Little Theatre is looking for 12 men and eight women, teenaged and up, to take part in a new production of Shakespeare's romantic suicidal classic. The play, directed by Peter Kierst, opens in January. Auditions will take place at the theater (224 San Pasquale SW) this Saturday, Nov. 18, from 1 to 4 p.m. and Sunday, Nov. 19, from 7 to 10 p.m. with possible callbacks on Monday, Nov. 20. Expect to deliver cold readings from the script. All parts, apparently even the biggies, are still open, so aim big! 242-4750.

On opening night, right before the show, director David Richard Jones described the historic premiere of Beckett's first and most famous play, Waiting for Godot. Originally written and performed in French, Beckett hoped to find a smallish theater in Paris to stage it. He didn't have much luck. According to Jones, Beckett finally found a tiny venue on the brink of collapse. The owners had wearied of the financial and psychological stress of running a theater, so they decided to hammer in the last stake, figuring Waiting for Godot would be the ideal play to drive their little venture out of business.

Everything is relative.

Here in the U.S., we women bitch about men, traffic, our paychecks, the coffee and/or the weather. But in Haiti, women aren’t bitching. They’re too busy struggling to stay alive.

Among this year’s PEN Southwest Book Award winners is Walking on Fire: Haitian Women's Stories of Survival and Resistance, Albuquerque activist Beverly Bell’s account of the lives of women in Haiti. Bell received the inaugural PEN NM Award for Distinguished Contribution to the Literature of Social Justice last week.