New Mexico's at the top of the list! Of worst droughts in the country!

And pumping water out of the ground just isn't working like it used to.

"El Dentista," an unlicensed dentist in Santa Fe who performed his "services" out of a van, left a trail of mouth infections and unnecessarily removed teeth in his wake. The New Mexico Department of Health is offering free counseling, blood testing and referrals to his victims. But remember, it could be worse.

Developers in Oklahoma are resistant to the idea of including tornado shelters in their homes because it costs too much money. Sad trombone.

Clinton Shepherd of Chicago just finished riding a Ferris wheel for two days straight. "I was thrilled and honored to be able to have all the love and support I did," Shepherd said.

And it turns out that increasing demand for bear bile (used in a nonsense "home-remedy") is really bad for bears.

Summer is here and it's time to jump in the water. Free swim lessons for low-income kids!

Unlicensed pilot busted at Double Eagle for flying too high. Or something. I'm not sure how to make this joke actually. He had a plane full of pot, is what I'm trying to say.

Under Susana Martinez, the New Mexico Environment Department isn't so worried about New Mexico's environment. Here's one more example.

Another U.S. Army official whose job is to stop sexual assault has been charged with sexual assault.

The media doesn't think the Obama administration's assault on civil liberties is so minor when it's happening to them.

Maybe those Benghazi emails were doctored?

And finally, visit Newfoundland. Because of this goat riding on a horse.

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• Ortiz y Pino: The guv’s crusade of destruction by Jerry Ortiz y Pino (7/19/2012)
• The hunt for ore by Marisa Demarco (05/30/2012)
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The head of New Mexico's Department of Regulation and Licensing is not so keen on the whole "regulation" thing. "I don’t give a damn about rules and regulations; I’ll do whatever I want."

A new company with a new rocket will be setting up shop at New Mexico's Spaceport America.

City Hall says that just because the red light cameras are gone doesn't mean that you can shirk paying your citations.

Could Rush Limbaugh face actual consequences for his hateful bloviations?

Shakespeare as a hipster. Queen Elizabeth I in a pantsuit.

Girls Gone Wild mogul and all-around scumbag Joe Francis is heading to jail. Which should make everybody happy except for Joe Francis.

Do we find kidnapped-woman-rescuer Charles Ramsey's interview fascinating because of latent racism? I don't know. But I kind of dig the song schmoyoho made out of it.

• Top Cat fell in love, Mr. Bannerman... (TopCat) [ Wed May 8 2013 2:15 PM ]
  

Everybody's favorite coach, Steve Alford, is contesting his 1 million dollar buyout, causing New Mexicans to love him even more.

Chama River has great beer, but at least one dirtbag employee.

The city shut down a Central motel for all the usual squalorous reasons. Which is maybe a good thing. But it does mean that the residents are out on the street. Which is definitely a bad thing.

As I said last week: the Elvis impersonator is innocent. It was the evil martial arts instructor all along. Because of the fake Mensa Certificate, you see. It all makes sense!

IBM released a new movie! The paparazzi is going to have to squint really hard to find the actors, though.

Beautiful land in South Dakota for sale! Rolling hills, historic structures, angry Oglala Sioux. Oh, it's the site of the Wounded Knee Massacre. But don't you think it would make a beautiful spa?

And hey, if you're like me, right about now you're probably wondering "What if someday I have to land an airplane but I'm not a pilot?" Never fear. The Daily Word has your back.

• Alford's baby blue and yellow tie (lilbrudder) [ Wed May 1 2013 1:26 PM ]
  

Game of Thrones author George R.R. Martin just bought the Jean Cocteau theater in Santa Fe. “I’ve always loved movies and I’ve always loved old theaters,” he said, as naked prostitutes writhed around him in a way that didn't really seem to advance the plot.

Despite the opposition of the Obama administration, the wrath of PETA and a voicemail in-box full of death threats, Valley Meat Co. in Roswell is one step closer to slaughtering horses.

Bernalillo County voted to pass its own minimum wage increase. Route 66 Malt Shop co-owner Eric Szeman spoke against it. Because nobody's sick of that guy yet.

It turns out the Elvis impersonator did not, in fact, mail ricin laced letters to the President. Suspicions now fall on his nemesis, the evil martial arts instructor, Master Dutschke. Somehow, this is real.

The Post Office is super mad at Lance Armstrong.

Swedish llamas protect sheep from wolves.

And, as always, when it comes to big news, remember to look for a second source.

The Sunport is beefing up security after the Boston Marathon bombings. Because that's what they do when pretty much anything happens.

ABQ City Council: We ain't gonna buy your guns.

The EPA says that Albuquerque residents can look forward to drinking water with "high energy additives" in the future.

There is Spanish in baseball.

Wounded Saudi national who was tackled and taken into custody after the Boston Marathon bombings is found guilty. Of being Saudi. But nothing else.

Anti-government conspiracy nut Alex Jones knows who really bombed the marathon! Spoiler alert: He thinks the government did it. As part of a conspiracy. Because he is a nut.

Weiner rises again! (No, I don't care about this. Yes, I only included it for the dick joke.)

And the gun bill looks like it's going to die.

Gov. Martinez is bringing in big bucks for her re-election campaign.

UNM's Sigma Alpha Epsilon chapter has been suspended due to an alleged sexual assault. That sounds familiar. Really familiar.

To the world's jerkiest vandal: Please stop stealing the handlebars off of ghost bikes.

Two border patrol agents are on trial for forcing drug runners to eat marijuana, then setting their clothes on fire. Then letting them go.

Nature's super-villain, the bed bug, has a super-weakness.

Breaking Bad has been great, the best ever really, but our supply of the good stuff won't last much longer. What to do? Better call Saul!

Brad Paisley and LL Cool J have teamed up to end racism! With a really terrible song. That includes the lyric "If you don't judge my gold chains / I'll forget the iron chains."

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• You must be pleased... (caf73186) [ Wed Apr 10 2013 10:36 AM ]
  

The next battle in the New Mexico water wars has begun: Carlsbad issues a "priority call" to stop Roswell and Artesia from pumping groundwater.

Round about we go, arguing about a roundabout. Perhaps some circular logic is in order?

The AP style book agrees: People aren't illegal.

The ACLU wants to make sure the Albuquerque Police Oversight Commission actually listens to its constituents.

The mean old Germans took Justin Bieber's monkey away!

C'mon guys, we ran out of "tickle-me-Elmo" jokes months ago. This stuff is just depressing now.

Now, let Yogi Okie Dokie entertain and unsettle you.

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Congrats to commenter 27eh for identifying Christy Mae's Restaurant from the Tricarico family portrait (it turns out that Christy Mae hasn't been involved in the place for a couple of decades now).

After a month of some seriously top-notch guessing, the moment you've all been waiting for has arrived. I've retrieved the Randomizer 3000 from its secured underground vault, deactivated the incredibly dangerous biological booby traps that prevent it from being misused by unscrupulous randomizers, and entered the PhotoGuesser names into its sophisticated data bank.

Emptyv. LundyJ. Okeefine. 27eh. Who will walk away with the big prize? Close your eyes and picture a swirling array of blinking LED lights, hear the click and hum of a thousand powerful ASIC circuits tabulating the probabilities and reticulating the splines.

*Bing!* It's done. The lovely Geoffrey Plant, Circulation Manager and contributing writer, receives the results:

LUNDYJ! You have won two $10 Alibi Bucks certificates to Mirai Light and Healthy Japanese Cuisine, Sake and Beer!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must deactivate the Randomizer 3000, which involves a team of four technicians, 25 pounds of dry ice and a six pack of beer.

• I tried, Emptyv (sloppy) [ Tue Apr 2 2013 3:37 PM ]
  
• My incredibly expensive protective measures are justified (TyBannerman) [ Tue Apr 2 2013 7:29 PM ]
  
• Christy Maes, biscuits & gravy, pickle breath and throw downs. (fonduefork) [ Wed Apr 3 2013 1:20 PM ]
  

CNM takes a bold stand against sex, award winning journalism and the first amendment.

The Daily Lobo suspends its print publication to protest CNM's dumb-assery.

The Supreme Court is considering a gay marriage case, but our governor has already made up her mind.

Jane Goodall apparently let one of her chimp friends write her latest book. And it did a bad job.

The groundhog may have failed in doing,HIS ONE JOB, but an Ohio prosecutor decided not to kill him anyway.

Why won't you return our calls, North Korea? RU MAD?

And finally, Gandalf will marry Picard.