E-mail This To All Your Friends!—Generally, I don't read past the first few paragraphs of any story in The Onion: America's Finest News Source. The headlines and the wacky lead are the funny parts—the rest is just made-up, tired fluff. As a member of the media, I enjoy scanning its pages to see what big-buzz story parody makes the front page or which cultural absurdity will be thrown under the microscope of comedic scrutiny (i.e. "Women Who Claims Book Changed Her Life Has Not Changed"). And as a member of the media, a recent article threw my industry under the microscope with surgeon-like precision, rife with "made-up, tired fluff" and a heavy dose of reality.
Dateline: England —Homes were evacuated, a main road was closed and a controlled explosion was set off after a “suspicious package” was found attached to a bridge in Pease Pottage, West Sussex. In the end, some bats were mighty pissed. The A23 and the B2110 highways were both closed for several hours after an Army bomb disposal team was called in to investigate. Several nearby homes were evacuated and motorists experienced long delays as the mysterious box was destroyed without incident. The British Highways Agency eventually identified the suspicious package as a bat box being used as part of a wildlife survey. “We are working on ways to improve identification of our property to avoid a repeat of the incident,” a B.H.A. spokesperson told the BBC.
Black Friday gets more and more absurd every year. In fact, for many retailers, the humanity-crushing shopping rush begins on frigging Thanksgiving Day. What a fun, sexy time. Avoid all of that this year with the Opt Outside event as all 34 New Mexico State Parks wave their day-use fees. Which means seeing our beautiful state wilderness is absolutely free. With the support of retailers such as REI, the entirety of Friday, Nov. 23 turns into a day of functional family time or serene solitude as you traverse the trails of what makes New Mexico the Land of Enchantment. Break the brutal sale shopping traditional with a beautiful day in the sunshine.
Ready to get in the holiday spirit? Yeah, neither are we. Fortunately, a little community spirit and fellowship can be infectious. The good ol' city of the 505 is doing their damnedest to provide a little Christmas conversion therapy with this year's Winterfest. Civic Plaza becomes a holly, jolly winter wonderland just two days after Thanksgiving on Saturday, Nov. 24 from 3 to 7pm. Just what makes this so jolly? What the hell could be more merry than the opening of the Holiday Ice Qube Skating Rink with free skating and $3 skate rentals? Local vendors ease the blow with handmade goods and retail therapy. Not to mention, wintery comfort foods, hot cocoa, eggnog and adult libations are abound, thank goddess. The seasonal décor is up and the fat dude in the red suit is there to listen to requests for all the needless crap on your wishlist. This is a free and all-ages event. So put on a coat, skate like a Peanut and get in the damn spirit.
Don't get it twisted. Tahitian dance is not the hula. Tahitian dance is centered around the hips for storytelling instead of the hands, and it's from … wait for it … Tahiti, not Hawaii. This style, also called 'Ori Tahiti, is a far more aggressive style in most cases, especially from the male dancers. Shock. Kellie Villicano of the Ka Lā Kapu Polynesian Dance School brings this Tahitian Dance Workshop…