Ten Things

Ten Delicious Recipes For Any Occasion

1) Jerked Beef Sandwich: beef jerky on white bread with ketchup.

2) Pickle Frowns: sliced pickles with spray cheese frowny faces drawn on them.

3) Cheerio Water: a glass of warm water with a single Cheerio dropped in it.

4) Surprise Cornbread: the surprise is there’s a bunch of plastic army men baked inside.

5) Spillers: I intentionally spill my Cheerio Water.

6) Western-Style Eggs: I make you eat a hard-boiled egg at gunpoint while wearing a cowboy hat.

7) Inside Out Rabbit: tomato soup in a fur-lined bowl.

8) Caché du Joel: I hide in your house and sing Billy Joel songs.

9) Don’t Eat ‘Ems: they’re poison.

10) Dream Pie: invisible pie that exists only in thought.

Ten Things

Ten Things I’m Not Afraid Of Because I’m Not Afraid Of Anything I Can’t See

1) Germs

2) Ghosts

3) Chemicals from Plastic Drinking Jugs

4) Gods, Devils, and Their Minions.

5) Magic Spells

6) Dried Pee on the Tops of Soda Cans

7) David McCallum

8) Radiation

9) The Hole in the Ozone Layer

10) Congress

Ten Things

Ten Spy Tricks You Can Use in Real Life

1) When you’re driving, turn on your blinker and slow down like you’re going to turn, but then keep driving straight.

2) You can pretend to drink from a glass by tilting the liquid toward your lips while keeping your lips closed. The charade becomes foolproof when you say “Ahhh” after each pretend sip.

3) Changing your appearance is an important tactic for throwing people off your trail. Enter a public restroom then immediately exit with a hat on.

4) Spies surreptitiously pass cryptic, coded notes to one another; it requires practice. Try passing notes to strangers and acquaintances then deny having done so.

5) Pretend Talking (a.k.a. Non-Talkies) is an important skill to accomplish with your trusted comrades. Move your mouth, gesture with your hands and nod thoughtfully as though engaged in lively conversation, but take care that neither of you make a sound. Pretend Talking is most effective when performed in an automobile or at a crowded cocktail party.

6) Cut a large hole in the front page of a newspaper then laugh silently as you monitor the room; you appear to be engrossed in reading.

7) See what’s happening at the table behind you by holding up a small mirror. You’ll usually want to focus on one person’s face for several minutes.

8) Even if you don’t have any spy gadgets at your disposal, the other spies don’t need to know that. Keep counterintelligence on their toes by speaking into a pencil. “Forgive me, comrade, but we must communicate another time. I need petrol for my autobus.”

9) Take advantage of the cover provided by your natural surroundings. Never walk in a straight line when it’s possible to dart from tree to doorway.

10) Identify other spies with the Secret Handshake: wiggle your fingers like a captured spider.

Ten Things

Ten Things Worms Say

1) Sure could go for some dirt about now.

2) My face hurts. I mean my ass hurts.

3) I feel sad. Not really!

4) This is like Tremors.

5) Everybody turn around. There’s a rock.

6) Nevermind. It’s just hard dirt.

7) Sometimes I wish a bird would just eat me and get it over with. You know?

8) You say rain, I say sidewalk.

9) Animals with bones are weird.

10) Wiggle time!

Ten Things

Five Interesting Things About Me

1) If you stare at me for 10 seconds a message pops up on the lower left: “Next - an all new episode of Monk.”

2) I can understand animal language. This morning I heard a bird say he was so hungry he could eat a green peach.

3) I went to the dentist and asked him if he could make my teeth “go around.” Neither one of us knew what that meant.

4) I took a bunch of drugs and went to a rave that was just three hours of flashing red and blue lights with siren noises.

5) I stand by the off-ramp with a cardboard sign reading, “Drink my blood-urine $5.”

Ten Things

Ten Things I Call Costco Other Than Costco

Yesterday I had car trouble so I called my friend Maggie and asked her to pick me up at Montano Acura. A little while later she called me from Montano Acura wondering where I was.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I’m at Costco. I just call it Montano Acura.”

Without further ado, here are the other nine lesser known names for Costco.

2) Buster’s 66

3) Family Value Center

4) Your Mom’s House

5) Santa Fe

6) Screen Jems Studios

7) 7-11

8) Crystal Cave

9) The Corner of Marilyn McCoo and Billy Davis Jr.

10) Education Connection

Ten Things

Ten Things I Hate About Circles

1) curved

2) moon-shaped

3) wheel-like

4) circular

5) round

6) two-dimensional spheres

7) able to spin

8) having arcs

9) pie-shaped

10) having circumferences

Ten Things

Ten Things I Want On My Sandwich

1) Gold Bullion

2) Yak Bacon

3) Crispy Fried Frogs

4) Your Face and My Ass

5) Fudge

6) Plankton

7) Chevrons

8) Brose Lachian

9) Moist Towelette

10) Hair Gob

Ten Things

Ten Things I Might Be For Halloween

1) Hungry fat guy eating food constantly

2) Sleepy Ghost (”I’m tiiiiired,” in a ghostly voice)

3) Sexy Fat Streaker

4) Litterbug

5) Weathervane

6) The Dad from Twilight

7) Pinecone

8) Sandhill Crane

9) Binoculars

10) Vowel

Ten Things

Ten Things I Hate About People

1) Clothing.

2) “So how’s it goin’?”

3) Dancing.

4) Poke at their food.

5) Have talented friends.

6) Recount trivial moments in long-story form.

7) Repeat catch-phrases from movies.

8) Bitch about their necks hurting.

9) They’re just so TIRED today.

10) Doing things.