1.) Because it fucking sucks and was created by Satan.

2.) It makes me think of all the happiest moments in my life, and how they are tainted and smoldering in a violent ashen ball of dishonesty, backstabbing and infidelity.

3.) Belgian chocolate and red wine are for the birds. I want something freshly killed and dripping blood paired with a warm pint of Canadian Mist and a 6-pack of Mickey's big mouths.

4.) By now you've probably realized the irony in the title of this piece. I'm not the first to decry this horseshit-disguised-as-chocolate-mousse excuse for marketing, capitalism and the disgusting fact that some people actually do sincerely care about each other, but trust me lovebirds, it will pass. It always does. People are inherently selfish, callous and evil. Do yourself a favor and turn that silver-plated dinner fork into a weapon and get the agony over with. In the end, it's either you or them. Your choice.

5.) Those little candy hearts taste like Pepto-Bismol mixed with sidewalk chalk and are the human dietary equivalent of rat poisoning. Whoever made them can suck my dick.

“Somebody stop playing that fucking Adele song ... Wait—no, don’t. I can handle this.”

6.) Because you can't actually get a Wild Turkey I.V. machine.

7.) Because this isn't Canada where "heartbreak" is a viable medical reason to get prescription painkillers.

8.) Because it doesn't make me want to listen to Death Cab for Cutie in the dark while crying and gingerly scraping a dull plastic knife across my wrists.

9.) Because it doesn't make me want to listen to Adele's "Someone Like You" in the dark while crying and gingerly scraping a dull plastic knife across my wrists.

10.) Because, as the song says, "Lean a little bit closer, see, roses really smell like poo poo." Actually, roses smell nice. Except when you've taken a shit in a bouquet and left it on your ex's doorstep. In that case, I'd have to agree with Outkast.

11.) The fruit basket industry is run by, and caters to, intolerable douchebags.

12.) "C'mon baby, just give me a second chance. I promise I won't (fill in the blank) ever again, or call your mom a (fill in a longer blank)."

13.) It always ends in a drunk dial.

 

• but you can never have enough pretty rocks (Nick Brown) [ Tue Feb 14 2012 6:22 PM ]
  
• shooting a watermelon out of the sky (Bick Nrown) [ Tue Feb 14 2012 10:50 PM ]
  
• Dayum (black) [ Wed Feb 15 2012 4:38 PM ]
  

[click to enlarge]

 

Folk artist and Pez-master Steve White has a new line of refurbished dispensers, just in time for V-Day. Some offerings are decidedly more risqué, such as an unclad cowgirl riding a bull with the title “Buck Naked.” Other clever titles include “Eve of Destruction”—and I won’t even go into the sexual allegory of that one. But if you’d like something a little more tame for your sweetheart, White’s matching male and female winged “Love Bird” series is bound to suit your fancy. The models all go for $20 a pop, and you can procure them by buzzing Steve at (505) 702-2093.

 

Last year, Weekly Alibi revived its long-haired, Luddite, pre-instant-messaging tradition of free Love Notes running in our print (and web) Valentine’s issue. It was a hit, so we’re doing it again. The big issue is February 9, the deadline is Feb. 1.

Submit your Love Notes here!

Kat Cox

DON’T watch TV at work. Especially not the best bits of the deal-breaker episode of “30 Rock.”

DO read Alibi advice columnist Kat Cox’s article on a real deal-breaker.

Send your problems to askkat@alibi.com or through facebook.com/kat.curious.

Guillermo / CC BY-SA 2.0

 

Once through the metal detectors and past the zombies waiting hours upon hours to pay out the nose for minor traffic infractions, Metro Court is a puffy, love-filled dream of nuptual bliss.

Four score and one couple jumped the broom today at Metro Court, says spokeswoman Janet Blair. They came from all over. The couples were comprised of one man and one woman.

Meanwhile, on Civic Plaza, demonstrators rallied for marriage equality. Cora Bernal commented on the Alibi’s Facebook page: "I thank everybody who gathered, everybody who called representatives. I truly believe that nonviolent protest can change even the hardest of hearts (see history, including recent history in Egypt)."

• 81 couples got hitched today (ubermom87) [ Mon Feb 14 2011 9:35 PM ]
  

 

1) Spell addressee’s name correctly. (Is there an accent over José’s “e”? One “t” or two in Bernadette? What’s the punctuation on “C. de Baca”?)

2) Ponder positive attributes. Her shapely forearms, his dainty waist, his/her curly, soft armpit hair. Her bawdy sense of humor, his firm feminism, his/her knitting prowess.

3) Put quill to page. Avoid boring words. Abandon adverbs altogether. Be specific.

4) Spellcheck.

5) Purchase fancy envelope and sealing wax. Find love interest’s address. Purchase/borrow stamps.

6) Ugh. This is too hard.

7) Seriously, can’t we just make out?

8) Is there an easier way to do this at least? Maybe even something more impressive?

9) There is!

10) Alibi love notes. Takes five minutes. Fill out the online form by noon on Wednesday, Feb. 2. Making out should commence by Thursday, Feb. 10, when the issue hits the stands all full of <3.

More Videos

 

Remember when we used to do these back in, like, 1997? Before the interwebs gave us all free porn and music? When only birds could tweet? When cell phones were the size of a cinder block? Oh, you weren’t born yet? Well, here’s the scoop: Weekly Alibi is giving away free Love Notes to be printed (and, duh, made available online) in our Feb. 10 Valentine's issue. All you need to do is submit your message (25 words or less) by noon on February 2. Then sit back and wait for your sweetie to reciprocate.

The rules:

• Do not call the Weekly Alibi office. We never answer the phone anyway.

• Alibi Love Notes are in no way associated with the personals. (These are our personals.)

• Please do not use your beloved's last name. First names, initials and pet names (e.g. “Smootchy-kins” or “Cream-puffins”) are fine.

• This is a forum for lovers only, not haters. If you've got something nasty to say, don't waste our time. And please, no stalkers. (Stalkers, read that last line again.)

• Weekly Alibi assumes no responsibility for broken hearts, misunderstandings, false promises, STDs or unwanted pregnancies; we've got problems of our own.

• Twenty-five (25) words is the limit for each Love Note. Our computer will count for you, but it won’t spellcheck. (Hmm, is spell-check hyphenated?)

Submit your Love Notes here!

• Major Steveo (peggymcitron) [ Wed Feb 2 2011 8:14 AM ]
  
• My Angel Boy (peggymcitron) [ Wed Feb 2 2011 8:17 AM ]