State of the Onion

So pungent it could make you to weep

Here’s to you, assholes!
Here’s to you, assholes!

It's the most wonderful time of the year!* Tonight, we American citizens can do our democratic duty merely by basking in the glow of our TVs.

And I'm not talking about "American Idol." For once.

As mandated by Article II, Section III of the U.S. Constitution, tonight's State of the Union address furthers the yearly tradition of turning Congress on to "measures" deemed "necessary and expedient" by our Commander-In-Chief. Chances are it won't be half as riveting as the boardroom of "The Apprentice."

The Dubya lets it all hang out at 7 p.m. here in Albuquerque on five stations: KASA-2, KOB-4, KNME-5, KOAT-7 and KRQE-13. Or for online coverage, C-SPAN will stream a live feed right here.

If you can't stomach the thought of sitting through an hour-long massacre of the word "nuclear," we suggest heavy drinking to dull the pain. You'll be shouting "You're fired!" at the television before Bush can say "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad."

* Right after you knock Christmas, your birthday, Halloween, Pride Weekend, vacation days, pay day, lunchtime, rotating your tires and getting your annual pap smear off the list.