Snack Attack No. 15

Eggo Cereal

Wake up and smell the dicalcium phosphate.
Wake up and smell the dicalcium phosphate.

Leggo’ my Eggo.

That old commercial used to get me and my kid brother in knock-down-drag-outs over the toaster. Until one of us decided it was a good idea to try and pry the waffle out of the burning hot toaster cavity while it was still on. Howling with agony, I not only fried the shit out of my hand, I didn’t even get the damn waffle.

Yeah, I was the stupid one. I’d like to say times have changed me, but when I spotted the new maple syrup flavored wafflettes in the store, I hauled my booty down the aisle like I was running from the cops. I got that box home and vowed to be mature and wait until breakfast to take them out for a ride.


At 10 p.m., the bowl was crammed to the brim and I could smell the maple 10 miles away. Man, this stuff is schweeeeet! Literally. I think I need a cavity filled now. The gentle crisp of the texture is alluring—almost like the tender, crisp edges on a waffle. The cereal holds up pretty well in milk, too, which surprised me considering the cereal wasn’t particularly crunchy to begin with. Very heavy on the maple. Maybe a little too heavy—I had that yummy fakey maple taste in my mouth for several hours. The folks at Kellogg’s should consider parlaying this into a toothpaste flavor.

They also make a cinnamon variety, but I would be more inclined to buy blueberry if it was available. What’s a good nickname for fake maple, anyway? Faple? Fakel? Want more? Web ‘em here.