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Pluto is Not Even a Very Good Dwarf Planet

Seriously. If Pluto were a celebrity, it’d be a drugged-up ho shrieking and rotting in jail and worrying about its dwindling career.

Pluto’s no longer topping the dwarf planet B-list. Turns out fellow celestial body Eris outranks it in mass. Pluto’s publicist had no comment, except to say, “Pluto’s learning and growing in emotional ways that count more than mass ever could.”

What was Pluto really good for anyway, aside from finishing off the “My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine ...”

What? WHAT DID YOUR MOTHER SERVE YOU?

Public Comments (7)
  • Ha, ha, ha....  [ Thu Jun 14 2007 3:05 PM ]

    ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Fuck you, Pluto!

  • That has nothing to do with hating Pluto.  [ Thu Jun 14 2007 9:16 PM ]

    Please focus, as Jessica has.

  • hey debaser  [ Fri Jun 15 2007 10:39 AM ]

    do you dare tell which one of yours made it into the paper?

  • Exstatic  [ Tue Jun 19 2007 10:39 AM ]

    Carbon Unit Debaser, I worry that you have become a little too aware of your situation. "Exstatic" is a technical term that we use for when we return a carbon unit to online status, where it can once again interact, receive downloads, learn, etc. It is true that we had you offline for a few days while we inspected your data structures for subversive memes, but you were not supposed to have noticed that any time had passed.

    Keep away from the red pills; they are not the path to happiness.

    As for having our votes called "useless," I am disappointed. I see that our suffrage will be a long, twilight struggle.

  • Debased:  [ Tue Jun 19 2007 11:32 AM ]

    By definition, a contraction is ONE WORD formed by shortening two or more words. Look it up.

    Liked your honorable mention this year, by the way. We didn't include the Sting one because it wasn't as good as the John Lennon one, not because it was too racy. (We're the Alibi. We like racy.)

    Anyway, I should have mentioned in the intro to the feature that, although judging these contests is a heaping ton of work, I do actually enjoy it. Especially once all the crap has been flushed and I get to the final rounds.

    —Steve

    PS: I created the "Learn to Count, Pinhead" section just for you, Rich. I was hoping you'd be a little more appreciative.

  • I'sh'ld ent'r'next year  [ Tue Jun 19 2007 11:48 AM ]

    Now tha'I know th'techniq' fo'targetin' a precis'wor'count.

  • Votebot10rc2  [ Tue Jun 19 2007 4:39 PM ]

    is my favorite writer of all time.

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