Pluto is Not Even a Very Good Dwarf Planet

Seriously. If Pluto were a celebrity, it’d be a drugged-up ho shrieking and rotting in jail and worrying about its dwindling career.

Pluto’s no longer topping the dwarf planet B-list. Turns out fellow celestial body Eris outranks it in mass. Pluto’s publicist had no comment, except to say, “Pluto’s learning and growing in emotional ways that count more than mass ever could.”

What was Pluto really good for anyway, aside from finishing off the “My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine ...”

What? WHAT DID YOUR MOTHER SERVE YOU?