The Intern: Volume IV

Instant coffee and the grind on my secret crush on Hermione Granger

Why, yes, I   am   with Thomas the Intern
Why, yes, I am with Thomas the Intern

I have a serious problem with Folgers coffee. I mean it is this instant, pathetic excuse for coffee that looks more like the fertilizer your grandmother uses to plant her geraniums. You open up the plastic jug and what you smell isn't even coffee. That’s what they want you to think, but it’s not. It's years of consumerism and advertising genius resulting in the American people believing what they smell out of a Folgers can is actually coffee. In fact, it is some mechanically engineered bullshit they have managed to pass off as coffee through coercion and lobbying the American consumer.

Another thing I find incredulous in Folgers commercials is those automated coffee makers that start brewing the fertilizer 30 seconds before you serenely roll out of bed wearing the same matching PJ’s as your spouse or significant other then peacefully stroll down to the kitchen where somehow your coffee’s already been poured into your favorite mug. You stand there in your all-white, angelic kitchen with your equally angelic pajamas allowing just the right amount of the sun’s morning rays to absorb calmingly into your retinas as you take in all of the sensations of the serenity of your morning. I mean, we all know their tag line: “The best part about waking up is Folgers in your cup.” To be honest, if the best part about my morning is some fertilizer dirt mixed with water in a Styrofoam cup, I’m going back to bed.

Here’s an idea for something that would actually be worth waking up for (perhaps the Folgers Company should pay attention). Follow the life of an organic Kenyan bean—locally roasted, freshly ground, finely brewed in a French press and poured into a one-of-a-kind clay mug which was handmade in Bulgaria by a master potter. Or they could just go with mom whispering, “Time to wake up, honey, Lindsay Lohan’s here to see you.” Or, better yet, “Thomas, dear, time to wake up. Lindsay Lohan’s brought you some fine Kenyan coffee.”

However, I would prefer: “Thomas, dear, Emma Watson’s here, and she wants you to play her alternative-alternative love interest in the next Harry Potter movie. And she’d like to take you to Kenya for some coffee.”

Now that’d be the best part of waking up.