I Will Not Be Vice President

ME!
ME!
Tom Nayder

I'm just going to put it out there. I, Simon McCormack, Weekly Alibi staff writer, have no interest in being a vice presidential candidate on the Democratic ticket. In fact, to put an end to the rumors once and for all, I will not allow myself to be considered for the nomination, would not accept the nomination and would not serve as Vice President.

So there you have it. You can stop calling my BlackBerry, harassing my neighbors and filling my inbox. It's just not going to happen. I can't tell you the amount of undue strain the weeks of speculation have put on my friends and family. While it's an honor to have my name mentioned alongside heroes like Sen. Hillary Clinton and Gen. Wesley Clark, the fervor with which I'm being pursued by Sen. Barack Obama's vice presidential vetting team is a bit off-putting. "No" means "no," fellas.

Would it be fun to try and end the oil crisis that's crippling our nation's economy? Sure it would. I mean, $4 a gallon for gas? Fuck man. That's a lot. Do I have some groundbreaking ideas for improved foreign relations with Middle Eastern nations and sexy France? Of course. (Especially sexy France.) But the time is just not right, and now I've officially said as much.