Fox debuted a brand spankin’ new primetime TV show this past weekend to capture their braindead primetime TV audience that has in previous years been drawn to riveting dramas involving Jeff Foxworthy struggling with basic algebra and a bunch of people stuck on a tiki-
The well thought out strategy and suspense of aptly named “Hole” is simple. You stand on a platform seated directly in front of deep, unforgiving waters. You look on into the oncoming darkness until a giant, urine-colored wall appears with a shape of an impossibly contorted human cut out of it. The object? To contort your own body into this impossible shape and avoid getting smashed by the perimeter of the cut-out and falling into a frigid swimming pool of obscurity. The show was met with raving reviews during its “opening weekend” thanks to a contestant who was none other than the daughter of Fred “Rerun” Berry. In her morbid obesity, she exclaims “Oh, Crap!” as a tiny, U-shaped cut out charges toward her record speeds and quickly sends her to her chlorine-saturated fate, breaking a sizable piece of said wall with it. Not even those fluorescently blinding flotation devices could buoy this victim of primetime television. Now pass the popcorn, I’m going to contort my body into the shape of a monkey easily amused by shiny objects and sign language.