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Wal-Mart Zombies

“Mmrrrr...give us braaaains...and Vitamin Water...”
“Mmrrrr...give us braaaains...and Vitamin Water...”

They entered the Wal-Mart slowly, dark circles under their eyes, mouths slightly open, lurching and stumbling through the aisles. The Wal-Mart shoppers drew their carts aside in politically correct fear. The floor staff speculated in hushed voices about who these intruders could be. Were they on drugs? Only a privileged few in the store knew what was really happening.  Zombies. 

It's true: Just after 5 p.m. on a recent Friday evening, a sizable group of undead citizens roamed the Wal-Mart on Carlisle, distinguishable from the regular clientele only by their glassy, glazed-over eyes, their glacial walking pace, the unintelligible mumblings coming from their throats and their inability to comprehend the consumer experience. One zombie stood and stared at a bottle of mustard for over three minutes. Another tried to eat an entire case of Vitamin Water. A third pulled paper towels from a dispenser, over and over, for no reason at all! More than once, the zombies crashed into a tower of boxed products in the middle of the aisles, only to do it again moments later! Passersby were rendered utterly confused. One customer witnessed a zombie pressing his face against the door of a walk-in freezer, and for some reason decided to do the same; another customer joined a zombie in repeatedly opening and closing a Tupperware container, unaware that her compatriot in shopping was indeed the walking dead.  A young couple watched as the sallow, emaciated zombies staggered past racks of children's clothing.

"They are fucked up." The husband assured his wife. She nodded, unable to look away.

The corps of corpses infiltrated the school-supply aisle, gnawing on Hannah Montana products and mindlessly fondling items in the arts and crafts section. They began to twitch, and drool, and fall over into large product displays.  Security guards surrounded them, whispering into their walkie-talkies.  Suddenly, at the sound of a vague intercom announcement, the zombies began to head for the exit.

"I knew it," said the elderly greeter as they exited the building. "I knew it as soon as they walked in the door." 

Fortunately no one was hurt during the Wal-Mart Zombie episode. Nor did the security guards notice the young man who followed the zombies around the store holding a boxed eggbeater…and what seemed to be a video camera lens inconspicuously poking out the side.  But, did anyone notice the business card dropped at the scene of the incident, upon which was mysteriously written: " The Street Theatre Brigade was here"? 


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