What's in YOUR Purse?

In this woman’s purse: the bible, lead-based make-up, gum drops, a love note she retrieved from a tree
In this woman’s purse: the bible, lead-based make-up, gum drops, a love note she retrieved from a tree

Often times while sitting around my friends’ apartments waiting for them to get their asses dressed, I find myself digging through their purses. I don't know how or why this happens, I think in my subconscious I just secretly want a purse of my very own. But more than that, I think it is because my friends have such interesting crap in there, so interesting that I feel I need to document my findings.

Here are the contents of four purses I have recently inspected:

Purse #1: Lorna Doone cookies, mini bottle of olive oil, public transportation transfers, crushed up tobacco, packets of honey and various flavors of jams, some fancy all natural make-up, a hand full of art pens that are all broken, a Popeye's biscuit wrapped in a napkin, dog biscuits, identification, various bank cards.

Purse #2: Skittles-flavored lip gloss, crushed up tobacco, an apple, drink tickets, a pair of panties, a little notebook, matchbooks from various bars, a pen that sparkles, a stack of burned CDs, a Chinese throwing star, a pretty floral print hanky, a single bank card.

Purse #3: a one pound bag of Skittles, Burt's Bees lip balm that smells like a baby's ass, some monstrous wallet with a bunch of random cards.

Purse #4: a tiny paper umbrella, ballet slippers, old check stubs, bobby pins, crushed up tobacco, six pounds of loose change, a pair of possibly knockoff sunglasses, six different types of shimmery lip gloss, dead rose petals, a Netflix copy of a Night of the Comet, a bottle of ibuprofen.

Now, if I did have a purse, I think it would be a little like this: a full bottle of any booze, cigars, moist wipes, a broken cell phone, a USB cable, condoms and personal lubricant, a wig, an old birthday card, wadded up receipts that may or may not have phone numbers scribbled on them, keys that go to nothing, fingernail clippers, a gun.

So, what's in YOUR purse?