HotPockets.com

Stay away from the meat!
Stay away from the meat!

If you've lost faith in America, visit HotPockets.com for a little reassurance that we still live in the greatest country on Earth.

As soon as you arrive at the site, you're greeted with a notice that reads: "Warning: May cause excessive drooling. Watch your keyboard."

There are SO MANY kinds of Hot Pockets! Croissant Crust Hot Pockets, Sub Sandwich Hot Pockets, Panini Hot Pockets, Breakfast Hot Pockets, Calzone Hot Pockets, Mexican Style Hot Pockets (ole!) and, for those who have completely lost the will to live, Ultimate Hot Pockets which are 50 percent bigger than the original.

There's also a one-minute timer in the corner of the screen. After a minute, the timer reminds you "If you put a Hot Pockets brand sandwich in the microwave a minute ago, you'd be halfway there. If not, pop one in—we'll wait."

This is a terrifically dangerous marketing ploy. The people on HotPockets.com (like myself) are weak willed and extremely open to the power of suggestion. If you tell us to put a Hot Pocket in the microwave, that's exactly what we're going to do; over, and over and over again until you tell us to stop.

I've eaten Hot Pockets enough times to know they taste disgusting. But that doesn't mean the highly skilled photographers at Hot Pockets corp. can't make them look unbelievably delicious. After about five minutes on the site, it was all I could do to keep from driving to Costco, opening up a membership and buying all the Hot Pockets I could fit into my cart.

Also, good luck trying to find the nutrition facts about America's favorite "sandwich." The "nutrition" tab takes you to a very confusing section about things being "stuffed with real cheese." There's also a picture of a so-called "nutritional compass" with pictures of meat, cheese and a couple of tomatoes. For god's sake! Don't use the Hot Pockets nutritional compass!

Finally, here's comedian Jim Gaffigan's bit about Hot Pockets.