Ten Newest CIA Tortures

There’s this one guy that I know, and I know you’re going to think I’m totally lying but I’m totally not, and he says he’s in the CIA and that they haven’t used waterboarding for a long time because they’re always coming up with newer ways to torture people, which is like a large part of their job. And so he told me these ones.

1) Pizza Facing. They tell you they turned your face into a pizza, then run a pizza wheel over it and pretend to eat slices of it. “Yum! This is the best pizza I’ve ever had!” For the love of Allah, stop.

2) Good Cop/Mom Called. The good cop comes in and tells you your mom called. Really? Nope. He does this every day for 70 years.

3) A Nice, Hot Meal. They tell you you’re going to get a nice, hot meal, but then they give you a luke-warm meal that’s just ok.

4) Got Your Nose. A CIA operative pretends as though he got your nose, and then he actually really does get your nose.

5) The Skippy. They strip all the skin off your body, roll you in salt and then... make you wear a dress.

6) There-There-ing. They pat your shoulder and say “there, there.” Burn.

7) Mr. Breathie Breath. They breathe bad breath right by your nose, sometimes without even meaning to.

8) Talk Bugging. When they question you, they pronounce Washington “Warshington” and say “um” a lot.

9) Vomit Eating. They make vomitting noises while you eat.

10) Dingalingaling Morning. They wake you up like it’s morning right after you go to sleep at night, then pretend it was a really short day and it’s night time again. “It’s a total mind-fuck.”