Nick Brown’s Online Self Defense Course

Chapter One: Improvised Weapons

One thing I continually stress to all students is to take stock of their surroundings when confronted by an assailant. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to revive a victim of violent attack when a zip gun or red-hot poker was lying within easy reach. What many people don’t realize, however, is that in the proper hands even common everyday items can become deadly weapons for defense, humiliation and murder. Toilet tissue, corn cobs and even pages of old catalogues can be used to turn the tide of a violent assault, as the next couple of personal examples should illustrate.

A couple weeks ago, I was in Party City when I decided to follow a man around the store and mimic everything he said in a funny voice. It wasn’t long before this innocent situation turned deadly and I was forced to fight for my very life. Now, what types of items in Party City might be turned into weapons? I’ll tell you. After the man had subdued me, he pulled down my trousers and forced ten rubber spiders up my ass, then sprayed me all over with Silly String. That man is a good example of someone who kept his cool and used his surroundings to defeat and humiliate a foe.

Which reminds me of another time, in line at Souper Salad, when I decided to repeatedly splash hot beef and barley soup on the pants of the gentleman in front of me. Again the situation resulted in violent combat, only this time my assailant popped out my eyeballs with a spoon and pounded cornbread into my eye sockets. It was touch and go for a while, but top doctors managed to put my eyes back in.

What these examples should illustrate is that anything can be used as a weapon in a combat situation.

Next lesson, I’ll teach you how to use your wits, camouflage and persuasive argument in order to bypass violence completely. Imagine avoiding a fight by simply skipping around in a circle and claiming that you’re a little girl! Next time, I’ll teach you how.