Nick Brown’s Online Guide to Albuquerque

A View of Albuquerque’s Shed

Attempts to provide a useful guide to Albuquerque often fail to serve a critical section of the population, that section being, namely, me and my desire to provide my own guide to Albuquerque. Albuquerque has changed a lot over the years, and I couldn’t begin to write about it all. Instead, here’s an insider’s guide to Albuquerque as it exists today.

Accomodations: There are three places to sleep in Albuquerque. The bedroom has a comfortable queen-sized bed, along with lamps, blankets and an alarm service. The den has a sofa and cable tv, as well as a dvd player and extensive film library available at no charge. Internet access and a classic Dell computer are also located in the den. The living room holds another rustic sofa and boasts the lowest temperatures in Albuquerque. Blankets are available in the den. There are two bathrooms for those who enjoy bathrooms. Laundry facilities are located in the garage, and running water can be found in several locations throughout the city.

Outdoor Attractions: Albquerque's backyard boasts a mimosa tree, a stately ash and many other small plants. A myriad of wildlife abounds, including a white dog and a brown dog. The front yard features a full lawn, peach tree and maple tree. Seating areas are provided.

Dining: Albuquerque maintains two state-of-the-art refrigerators: one in the kitchen and one in the garage. The kitchen unit boasts an automatic ice dispenser and chilled water. Both are filled to capacity with aged and aging food staples in various stages of decay.

Transportation: The Duke City gets around in affordable style with its vintage 1986 Audi Quatro. The Quatro's long-standing safety record is due in part to a high-pitched warning alert generated by its fan belt, notifying vehicles and pedestrians alike that it is in transit. Enjoy Albuquerque's fresh air streaming in from the Audi's permanently open driver's side window. Recorded and broadcast music, as well as air conditioning, are not available during transit at this time. Routes and schedules are subject to change and cancellation.

Culture: Several framed artwork pictures are on display for the enjoyment of visitors, and an extensive library of science fiction and horror literature is maintained throughout the city. Other culture is provided through television programming.

Education: Though no strict curriculum is offered, impromptu lectures on science fiction and horror literature are commonplace. Discovery workshops in trades such as carpentry, plumbing and electrical work are also held, as well as demonstrations in speculative automotive diagnostics.

Communication: A telephone and answering system are located on the kitchen's Northen-most counter, and a mail receptacle has been installed to the left of the front door. Spoken and non-verbal communications are frequently conducted throughout the city.

Live Entertainment: Improvisational comedy routines are performed daily during the evening and morning hours, including popular bits about Frankenstein and various hysterical sayings, noises and voices. It's not for everyone. Check listings.

Shopping: Wear a different outfit every day! Clean, folded laundry is free for the donning on Albuquerque’s dining room table. If you're in the mood for whimsy, interesting display items can be discovered on flat surfaces throughout town. Don't forget to check our boxes and drawers. Can't find something? Just ask. It's been our pleasure to serve you!

Fitness/Exercise:

Check your look: Several immense mirrors have been conveniently glued to Albuquerque's walls by its former inhabitants. Looking good!

Parties: Smoking in Albuquerque is limited to outdoor areas, select transportation cabs and a shed located in the backyard. The shed also provides computer and internet access, broadcast television, nightly drink specials and live dramatic performances in the late hours. Seating is limited, but be forewarned: the performances can be disturbing.

Employment: Albuquerque has secured clerical employment just 15 minutes to the South. Other closer career opportunities exist in the trades, housekeeping, food preparation, psychology and animal bedeviling.

Security: Aside from the protection of both white and brown medium-sized dogs, Albuquerque's four solid-wood doors employ the complex brass locking devices commonly encountered in other modern cities. Retired citizen volunteers monitor Albuquerque's activities from all sides, 24 hours a day.