There are not a lot of reasons that we here at the Albuquerque Weekly Alibi would pay attention to an independent sheriff candidate in Virginia, but it looks like an embarrassingly stilted, way too long "rap video" by said candidate will do the trick.
Who is Chris DeCarlo and what does he stand for? A quick glance at the press release he sent us tells us that he wants to fight another Battle of Manassas and, in general, "fix America" by reigniting the "War Between the States." Which seems a little counter-intuitive, but maybe we just don't get Virginia politics.
A viewing of his video further informs us that he stands for horse riding, vest-wearing and an overall platform of old white guys playing cowboy. And rapping.
So, um, if any of that sounds good to you and you live in Virginia, maybe vote for him? As for us, we're glad we don't have to deal with this particular king of crazy out here in New Mexico. But keep up the good work, Virginia! We are very entertained. And just a little scared.
Sad to say, we here at the Alibi aren’t omniscient. In fact, we can barely even keep up with the press releases that appear in our email inboxes, let alone the doings of all sources of knowledge and information in the universe.
Recently, we decided to stop trying to be omniscient. And then, right after that, we decided to stop trying to keep up with our email in-boxes.
BUT there are still some press releases that get sent to us which for whatever reason we can't fit into the print edition of the paper, but still might be interesting to our readers.
So, here it is, the inaugural roundup of The News You Missed, where the Alibi rescues important press release headlines from the dustbin history.
This headline pretty much sums up why I am not a vegan. But if you're a vegan who loves powder, this is relevant to your interests!
Are you Alibi readers aware of how to behave safely around lead?
Rule #1: Don't eat lead.
Rule #2: Don’t feed it to your baby.
Rule #3: Just leave lead alone. Because you may be tempted to eat it or feed it to your baby.
In conclusion, fuck lead.
Tailgating Story: Throw a Pizza on the Grill
Unfortunately, I can't find a website with this important press release on it, but rest assured that throwing a pizza on a grill is a thing you can do, and a publicist out there thinks it would make a great story.
Sorry, New York, but this happened and there’s nothing anybody can do about it now.
There it is, the News You Missed, gathered up into one convenient blog package so that you, our beloved readers, may now go about the rest of your life as a slightly more informed member of the public. You're welcome.
Check back next Friday for more News You Missed!
Did you see Monday's episode of Antiques Roadshow? If so, you might have noticed Alibi Sales Director Sarah Bonneau excitedly showing off her Pablita Velarde painting.
If you missed it, here it is! he Also worth noting: the creepy robo-deer skull the guy holds up right before the video ends.
Dom Vitali! Johnny K! The Almighty Sheik! Brute 66! Somebody named Pinky!
I'm not exactly sure who these people are, but I do know that they're going to beat the hell out of each other at the Day of Destiny Wrestling 8. If you, like me, love watching huge sweaty men make guttural threats into a microphone and then hit another huge sweaty man with a chair, then show up at the Westside Community Center this Saturday at 7pm for real local wrasslin' action.