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The Daily Word in Beck, brains, vaginas and soy sauce

The Daily Word

Exculpating evidence suggests no criminal charges will be filed in the Bruce Jenner traffic fatality.

Kanye tried to interrupt Beck’s Grammy Award accpetance speech.

I am so tired of all the complaining.

Go, Riverdale.

What would you pay for Abe Lincolns hair?

Learn how to escape from a moving car.

When you microwave humans the brains are always cold in the middle.

Goodbye, Tent City.

A shoplifter was shot on Menaul.

Happy birthday, Brian Donlevy.

You're probably cleaning your vagina all wrong.

Your Samsung TV might be spying on you. No, seriously. It's listening.

It's a sad day for Chinese food and fast locomotives.

New England has run out of places to put snow.

Blood type and brain function: something else to worry about.

Ozzy Osbourne's bat karma has caught up to him.

Darth Vader's toilet is free on Craigslist in Albuquerque.

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The Daily Word in Super Bowl, sex changes, swords, and seeing shadows

The Daily Word

The Patriots won the Super Bowl.

The Super Bowl commercials were bland this year.

Bruce Jenner is transitioning into life as a woman.

A new dinosaur was discovered in China.

An Albuquerque toddler shot his parents with a handgun.

Here are the rules for buying food with love at McDonald’s.

Tablets and phones might damage toddlers’ brains.

Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this morning.

Here are five things you didn’t know about Groundhog Day, the movie.

A ‘Power Rangers’ actor is accused of killing his roommate with a sword.

Our next alibi issue is our special love issue and will feature sex toy reviews by members of the alibi staff. In the meantime, here are a few sex toys you may want to stay away from.

Vladimir Putin has resumed the war in Ukraine.

Back in December, the Russian court banned the music and artwork of Cannibal Corpse.

You can see Cannibal Corpse in the land of the free tonight at the Sunshine theater, along with Behemoth, Aeon, and Tribulation.

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The Daily Word in ferrets, babies, shredding guitarists and penile fractures

The Daily Word

If you hear voices in your head you should talk back to them.

A “Death Test” at hospitals would give elderly patients a choice.

Three pet ferrets chewed a baby’s face off.

A baby in Arizona was born without eyeballs.

Eddie Van Halen turns 60 today!

A serious blizzard is hitting the Northeastern part of the U.S.

Blizzard of Ozz is a seriously amazing album that came out in 1980. It marked the debut of Ozzy Osbourne's solo project, and featured the late, great Randy Rhoads on guitar.

Here's how to tie a neck tie 30 different ways.

Prehistoric Shark Alert!

Sarah Palin claims to be interested in running for President in 2016.

Here are 5 of Sarah Palin’s most insane and incoherent moments.

And the most dangerous sex position is:

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The Daily Word in the new “X Files,” goodbye Blackbird Buvette and the saddest day of the year.

The Daily Word

Today is Blue Monday, the saddest day of the year.

It’s also MLK Day.

It’s also the last day of business for Blackbird Buvette.

The Seahawks will face the Patriots in Super Bowl XLIX.

Liberace’s hologram is going on tour.

Tiger Woods’ front tooth is missing.

The Jesus Bandit remains at large in Hawaii.

There was live sex on stage at a Dead Kennedys concert.

There’s no such species as a black panther.

The X Files” is coming back to TV with Mulder and Scully.

Here’s what guitar strings do.

You’ll be surprised by some of these amazingly cheap movie props.

Deep-fried batteries are the future.

You remember things better with your eyes closed.

More knockouts at Knockouts.

A strange diamond-shaped object appeared in the sky above Albuquerque.

The Walmart shooter remains at large.

Happy birthday, Dolly Parton.

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The Daily Word in burgers, Bond, beer and Brandenburg.

The Daily Word

There was a gigantic fire in downtown Los Angeles.

I hate mummies!

Experts say a trend toward special orders threatens the delicate balance of speed and profitablity in the burger universe.

Happy deathday, John Lennon.

There is no shortage of red crabs.

Study up on the latest booze trend: American single malt whiskey.

The world’s largest truffle sold for $61k at auction.

Chlorine gas brought tragedy to the Midwest FurFest.

Has the mystery of the Tjipeter rubber blocks been solved?

Obama has acid reflux.

James Bond probes the Doily Danger Zone.

The Lizard Squad knocked the PlayStation network offline for hours just to be mean.

Slayer rescued a kitten.

As a beer city, Albuquerque ranks high.

Accusers think Kari Brandenburg inappropriately tried to protect her son from criminal charges.

A little girl died in a crash on Coors this morning.

Happy birthday, David Carradine.

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The Daily Word in slavery, sitcoms and sandwiches.

The Daily Word

The FBI says soldiers should get off social media.

Darren Wilson resigned from the Ferguson PD.

Slavery thrives in Great Britain and they’re not all Goreans.

Mickey Rourke’s boxing victory was rigged.

A long-lost masterpiece was found in the movie Stuart Little.

How many jokes-per-minute does your favorite sitcom average?

David Bowie hates “The Little Drummer Boy.”

Thanksgiving leftover sandwiches are a thing.

What’s your favorite Mondegreen?

The new Star Wars trailer is out.

The lights are up on Santa Fe plaza.

A Taos woman had a 1972 encounter with a man in a Cosby suit.

Mom ratted on Byron for murder.

Local sub shops were robbed and use only the freshest of ingredients.

Happy birthday, Charlene Tilton.

And now a word from our sponsors.

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The Daily Word in Cosby, Crosby, Cyrus and Pooh

The Daily Word

Marion Barry died.

An ex-NBC employee claims he stood guard at Cosby’s dressing room door.

Kohler unveils an odor-eliminating toilet seat.

A giant isopod stopped eating and died.

Kirk Cameron witnesses to homosexuals.

Venice is going to ban wheeled suitcases. They’re noisy.

Kean University bought a $219k conference table from China.

There are rules for dating Miley Cyrus.

Lee Harvey Oswald died on this day in 1963.

Winnie the Hermaphrodite.

There was a fatal crash at 4th and Montano this morning.

Happy birthday, Denise Crosby.

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The Daily Word in a virus that makes you dumb, horned helmets and crock pot lids.

The Daily Word

Researchers have identified a virus that makes people stupid. Er.

Snow in Minneapolis is already screwing up the morning commute and canceling flights.

Most kids don’t even have a TV anymore.

I broke the lid to our crock pot last night. It smashed in pieces all over the floor like a windshield.

Here’s more support for the theory the Vincent Van Gogh was murdered.

There are lots of dumb ways to die.

Here’s a lovely chart of Common MythConceptions supporting my claim that a 19th-century production of Wagner’s Ring Cycle is responsible for the idea that vikings wore horned helmets.

A woman was dead for 45 minutes, then revived without brain damage.

Iraqi officials claim the leader of the Islamic State group, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, was wounded in an airstrike.

The internet has a new mug shot handsome guy.

AC/DC drummer Phil Rudd parties like a rock star and prostitution is legal in New Zealand.

Cranberries singer Dolores O'Riordan flipped out and attacked people on an airplane like a zoh-hom-beh.

A cold front is going to hit New Mexico tonight.

A man threatening to jump off the San Mateo overpass shut down I-40 yesterday. I got stuck in it and saw him—he was on the lowest ledge, which didn’t seem all that high.

Right before that, I got stuck in traffic created by a standoff with an armed suspect at the Luxury Inn on Central.

Happy birthday, Neil Gaiman.

(Special thanks for links from Sarah Bonneau, Susan Petersen and Stefanie Enochs.)

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The Daily Word in Branson, Bronson, bats and bands.

The Daily Word

Space tourism may not happpen.

Brittany Maynard decided to die.

The World Trade Center is open for business.

You can buy a Microsoft Band right now, if you want.

Relax to the soothing sounds of bats.

Bats invaded a courthouse in Utah.

It’s a good time to learn more about bats.

Hyundai/Kia will pay $360 million for lying about fuel economy.

Daredevil Nik Wallenda survived his latest tightrope stunt in Chicago.

Meanwhile, an extreme sports enthusiast laughed in the face of danger by impulsively jumping onto a floating whale carcass surrounded by sharks.

A new “ruby slippers” app allows you to trigger responses on your phone by clicking your heels.

Taylor Swift removed her music from Spotify.

Here are some ideas for your next stupid rock band tattoo.

Gary Johnson says Hi.

Alexandra Greenwall’s disappearance and return remain shrouded in mystery.

The DOJ/APD settlement agreement aims to overhaul law enforcement practices in Albuquerque.

Happy birthday, Charles Bronson.

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The Daily Word in Peyton Manning, mood swings, intestines, and Monica Lewinsky.

The Daily Word

Police captured a serial killer in Indiana.

Peyton Manning broke the touchdown record.

People born in the summer are prone to mood swings.

A mouse-grown intestine signals hope for organ growth.

Soft drinks lead to accelerated aging.

For chocolate addicts, it might actually be time to panic over the Ebola outbreak.

Bernalillo County will have deputies guarding the abandoned Sandia Ranch insane asylum against trespassers this Halloween season.

Does anyone care that Monica Lewinsky has joined Twitter?

This is how you draw a perfect circle, while listening to A Perfect Circle.

Test your knowledge of Iron Maiden.

Still don’t have a costume idea for Halloween? Get some help from ex-con Martha Stewart.