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it's an emergency!  [ Thu Apr 2 2009 12:28 PM ]

quick someone get me the number for 911!

We always had a couple lawyers in the basement  [ Mon Mar 30 2009 5:48 PM ]

when I was growing up. It was my job to water them and to spray them off, and I was just a kid. Sometimes I'd forget, and boy what a stench.

things happen after I dream about them happening...  [ Tue Mar 17 2009 3:49 PM ]

or maybe that's the most normal thing. I can't really tell anymore.

f'n great!  [ Mon Mar 9 2009 12:28 PM ]

I always like to say that Bjork and I broke up because every Friday night, she just wanted us to sit around and pretend we were blind. It was fun, at first, but it got old fast.

Had she thought of violent pizza back then, we might still be dating.

the bong cat:  [ Fri Mar 6 2009 12:06 PM ]

He says he knows now that what he did was wrong.

It seems like people get smarter after they get arrested, but the new intelligence is often fleeting.

here's another cool idea inspired by your blog...  [ Thu Mar 5 2009 3:29 PM ]

white ketchup so I can spill it on my shirt without giving a damn. (yes,yes, i know: And yes I do have a red shirt, but it's specifically for eating spaghetti.)

stinky good or stinky bad?  [ Thu Mar 5 2009 1:34 PM ]

just curious.

I know an old lady who lives in a shoe.  [ Thu Mar 5 2009 1:32 PM ]

I was telling my friend how wonderful it was that he was cool with his wife keeping her maiden name. It turns out he was NOT cool with it at all. He became agitated and angry with me, and said I should mind my own business. I probably should. But I still wonder about the old lady who lives in a shoe. Is she the same old lady who swallowed a fly?

we're anti-waterboar​ding and pro-mock drowning?  [ Wed Mar 4 2009 1:35 PM ]

I feel cold and afraid.

a portable baby-ass sniffer  [ Tue Mar 3 2009 4:29 PM ]

and a wallet.

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