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John Bear's big left toe. Cleans floors, fights crime.
filmreference.com
John Bear's big left toe. Cleans floors, fights crime.

humor, footcare

My left foot...hurts

The unsupplied bachelor

Number 53 of 101 things I need around the house: bandages.

I’ve been a bachelor now for longer than I’ll admit to anyone. With no woman around to keep me from completely self-destructing, what was once a pad is now a hovel. The freezer is packed full of frozen meals that seemed like a good idea at the time but now collect frost and cold resistant parasites. Hot dogs made of three or more kinds of animal are a prime example. I’m not going to eat them, but feel too guilty to throw them away, so many lowly beasts lost their lives.

The most recent tragedy to befall single me is the savagery visited upon my left big toe. I was trying to be a “grown up” and put sheets on my bed rather than sleeping on a pile of laundry when something sharp entered my toe. It felt like a paperclip being pushed into a rubber eraser.

The blood began to flow like oil from a deep sea rig. I felt around and extracted a pinky finger sized piece of a compact fluorescent light bulb.

Ah, the compact fluorescent lightbulb. I bought about fifty of the things during the last year in an attempt at being more green. They remind me of soft-serve ice cream and are supposed to last ten years.

Problem: they keep exploding and showering my apartment with glass. Perhaps it’s the scary 1930s electrical wiring. A plumber built the building. Freaky.

I am a terrible house cleaner and always seem to miss a piece. Luckily, my feet are like natures Swiffer Sweeper, only with the added absorbency of soft flesh. An x-ray of my feet must surely resemble a Rhine Stone Cowboy.

As I glanced at the stigmata on my big toe, the piggy that went to market, I couldn’t help but wonder how much mercury once contained in the light bulbs now courses through my veins. I knew there was a reason I like hats so much.

I frantically searched the house for something that could serve as a bandage. After locating a bottle of rubbing alcohol, I swabbed off the wound. My bedroom and bathroom floors began to resemble a crime scene. The alcohol stung and the pomegranate shampoo with which I washed the wound was no picnic either. I think I’ll buy Mountain Strawberry next time.

Tape seemed like it would serve as a suitable bandage until the next day, when I could score some Johnson and Johnson, or a comparable house brand. All there I had, unfortunately, was duct tape. Something about duct tape seemed fatal. I prefer scotch tape but none could be found.

In the end, I settled for a clean wife-beater shirt. The shoulders made fairly good attachments; my foot looks like Liam Neeson’s face in “Darkman.” I cleaned the abattoirs-like floor in the bathroom and called it a night. Sometimes I feel so handy. I can’t believe I’m still single.

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