love is the drug

How to: Profess your adoration

1) Spell addressee’s name correctly. (Is there an accent over José’s “e”? One “t” or two in Bernadette? What’s the punctuation on “C. de Baca”?)

2) Ponder positive attributes. Her shapely forearms, his dainty waist, his/her curly, soft armpit hair. Her bawdy sense of humor, his firm feminism, his/her knitting prowess.

3) Put quill to page. Avoid boring words. Abandon adverbs altogether. Be specific.

4) Spellcheck.

5) Purchase fancy envelope and sealing wax. Find love interest’s address. Purchase/borrow stamps.

6) Ugh. This is too hard.

7) Seriously, can’t we just make out?

8) Is there an easier way to do this at least? Maybe even something more impressive?

9) There is!

10) Alibi love notes. Takes five minutes. Fill out the online form by noon on Wednesday, Feb. 2. Making out should commence by Thursday, Feb. 10, when the issue hits the stands all full of <3.