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Torture should go both ways at the dentist

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I apparently have super teeth. The last time I went to the dentist, she said I had a cavity. That was more than a year ago. I never got it fixed and it has nagged at me ever since.

But I went to the dentist on Wednesday, a different one, and she found nothing.

Either I’m completely off target on this super teeth thing, or the last dentist was a sadist who wanted to perform unnecessary oral surgery on me.

In any case, I love telling torture jokes during routine teeth cleanings. Dentists hate it but I feel some sort of revenge is in order for having stranger’s hands in my mouth. Quid pro quo.

My personal favorite is called the “Marathon Man,” named after a movie starring Dustin Hoffman as a guy who gets tortured by a Nazi dentist. Always keen on paying homage to film as part of my daily routine, I asked the dentist to ask me “Is it safe?” before commencing with the poking and prodding.

She said it, perplexed, and I thanked her, explaining that it was a movie joke. My mouth feels squeaky clean this evening. Thanks, doc.

The dental assistant told me later as she gave me the cinnamon flavored industrial tooth scrubbing that the film “The Hangover” also has dental torture jokes. I told her I would rent it; she said I wouldn’t regret it. I think next time I’ll ask the dentist, “Is it safe?”

The other option is the “El Cirujano.” Ask your dentist if she or he has ever considered doing field work for the Central Intelligence Agency or express jealousy that they have such a cool fall back career. This actually got me tortured once during a filling. I should have asked for the Novocain.

When getting a cleaning, it can be fun to adlib pleas for mercy during the short times when there aren’t any metal objects in your mouth. A “please, no more, I beg of you,” will keep the doctor on his or her toes.

If you are playing the CIA game and feel like the dentist didn’t push down on the drill hard enough after the first wise crack, these adlibs can keep the game going. Try “We’re in for a long night, doc, because I don’t know shit,” or the classic, “You’re just going to have to kill me, doc.”

Take a crack at a bad Schwarzenegger accent. Be creative. Most important: Have fun. It’s your nickel.

This is a fun and inexpensive way to make that dental appointment a little more enjoyable. The dentist will probably hate it, but they’re getting paid. Don’t let them spoil your fun.

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