Music

Not Rock Stars

There seems to be some confusion. You guys are pop stars.

Rhianna is not missing only a black guitar. She is missing the experience of shitty gear and heavy amps, of being paid $50 for a show and feeling like it was a pretty good take.

A sample by actual badass Prince does not a rockstar make, Prima J.

R. Kelly? Now we’re just being silly, right?

Hannah motherfarking Montana?

Not you either, Pink. You were just mad about your divorce. Although starting a fight is getitng warmer. As is working with Linda Perry.

And hey, energy drink, when’s the last time you went out of tune six times in a single show?

Oh, wait. Maybe I’m just confused.

Because the d-bags in Nickelwack are not rock stars.

Maybe it’s the belt-buckle holding Poison?

So far there’s been a lot of talk of hot tubs and limos.

Did you all see the Ladies of the ’80s Barbies? Joan Jett, Debbie Harry, Cyndi Lauper.

I propose a local band Barbie. She comes with a staple gun, a stack of handbills, a mega-heavy bag of pedals and cables, a soldering iron, and a beer in her jacket pocket.

At least we’ll always have Jem and the Holograms.