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Satire

Shit Journalists Say

See the Stuff Journalists Like blog indulge itself with a fairly spot on answer to the Shit Girls Say videos. The only part missing is something about getting drinks.

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Satire

Miss D’s gift of health

While perusing the sweatshop-produced underthings at Retail-Giant-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named recently, I stumbled upon a product that absolutely delighted my inner capitalist: diabetes socks.

A staggering number of people have diabetes. People with diabetes buy socks.

Ergo: diabetes socks.

The beautiful calligraphy on the product’s purple packaging alerted me to the fact that these were diabetes socks for her. The self-described “health socks” claim to promote circulation via a “non-binding top.” In other words, these socks achieve their therapeutic effects by fitting poorly.

At $8 a pop, diabetes socks for her make a pricey little stocking stuffer. Come to think of it, why not just nail a diabetes sock to the mantle and use it as a stocking? Maybe Santa will stuff it with Levamir insulin pens (up to $600 per box), a month’s supply of the oral diabetes medication Actos ($230 for the lowest dose), and a new kidney (priceless).

Diabetes socks inspire me, and chances are they inspire you too. So do you want to stimulate the economy and fight disease this holiday season? Check out my new line of home health products hitting shelves just in time for the holiday season. These featured products make terrific gifts, so pick one up at your neighborhood Retail-Giant-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named today!

Depression recliner for her: Made from special resilient materials that can withstand constant pressure from the prone bodies of the emotionally immobilized. Mood-lifting color options include mauve and spring blossom.

“Down There” infection toilet for her: Built-in chemical sensors alert users to vaginal, urinary, or sexually transmitted infections. Bonus: detects pregnancy. Choose from enchanting colors like winter ivory and baby’s bottom.

Elevated BMI panties for her: Silken, moisture-wicking fabric won’t irritate abdominal or gluteal folds. Colors include whispering kitten and sleeping child.

Anemia cookware for her: Now you can treat your iron-deficiency anemia without leaving your kitchen! Iron-clad cooking surface with heat-resistant handles in stunning red finish.

Heart disease dental floss for her: Research shows that flossing helps prevent heart disease. Exploiting that fact on your product’s package makes it even more true! Fluffy texture won’t hurt fingers or gums. You are a woman, so floss like one! Comes in fun colors like pinched cheek, downy rose and newborn cry,

Alcoholism SUV for her: Clinically proven to help you drive off your hangover AND get your kids to school on time. Sleek exterior, spacious interior, and standard features like GPS, DVD player, and minibar. Four classic colors: Champagne, cool cosmo, boxed wine and Morning After.

Anti-aging full body condom for her: Protect yourself from harmful environmental exposures like sun, pollution, and contact with others. In flattering colors like Little Black Dress, prowling cougar, bashful blush, fancy flirt, gentle sigh, and estrogen.

Breast cancer beer for her: OMG IT’S PINK!!!!!!!!

Happy Holidays!

Despite its brilliant name, this column is not intended to prevent, diagnose or treat herpes. Or any other diseases, for that matter.

Whitny Doyle is a family nurse practitioner grad student.

The opinions expressed are solely those of the author.
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