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Sex and Its Discontents

Lost Sex Survey Graphs Reveal the Vibrator is King

As if you didn’t know

Last year we asked IF you used sex toys. This year we asked WHICH ONES? Due to space constraints in print, this precious data failed to make it into the feature’s final cut, but now the truth can be told: the vibrator is mightier than the dildo.

Not to disrespect the dildo, of course, which consistently ranks in the top three across all genders and preferences, but the good vibe is apparently more things to more people. Gay and bisexual male respondents were the only group in which the vibrator failed to rank as the most popular sex toy (trumped by both dildo and cock ring, but still a respectable third place). The ladies in the audience, on the other hand—gay, straight and in-between—gave the vibrator an overwhelming 80% and higher approval rating, with straight dudes also ranking it #1. (Clearly these guys know where the missus keeps her Hitachi Magic Wand.)

All respondents
[click to enlarge]
Gay, bi and straight men also appeared to agree that having a cock is a great reason to have a cock ring, as the #2 sex toy for boys remains consistent across all sexual preferences. That’s what I call solidarity, gentlemen.

You can draw your own conclusions from our rather unscientific poll, but one thing is for sure: for Alibi readers, sex time is tool time.

Straight female
[click to enlarge]
Gay and Bisexual female
[click to enlarge]
Straight male
[click to enlarge]
Gay and Bisexual male
[click to enlarge]

Sex and Its Discontents

Alibi Sex Survey graphgasmic data orgy #4: The final chapter

In which we discover smoking after sex is officially out of fashion, among other things

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, the graphgasmographical data stream comes to a drippy end. Some things I learned about Burqueños: The vast majority have made out with strangers, yet haven’t caught a sexually-transmitted disease. Hmm. They also wouldn’t be caught dead smoking after sex. No surprise there, seeing how high “bad breath” scored on the turn-offs list. There’s a statistical dead heat on the importance of penis size and on having fooled around with a co-worker—so you may as well just flip a coin. The pro-anal-sex camp outnumbers the “once” or “never” camp by a healthy margin. But, more romantically, most people are not interested in an open relationship and would stick with their current partner for that one-last-shtup before the world ends—and furthermore, most have kept friendly with their ex-partners-in-crime. How warm and fuzzy.

So what does that say about Albuquerque? Promiscuous yet hygienic? Faithful yet forgiving? Free-thinking yet conservative? Who the hell knows? I’m just glad you’re all out there keeping things sexy for the rest of us. Let’s do it again sometime.

Have you ever made out with a stranger?

Have you had sex with a boss or co-worker?

Have you ever caught a Sexually Transmitted Disease?

Have you tried anal sex?

If the world were ending, would you have sex with your partner or someone else?

Would you consider an open sexual relationship?

The eternal question: Does penis size matter?

Are you generally on friendly terms with your exes?

Do you like to smoke after sex?

Sex and Its Discontents

Alibi Sex Survey graphgasmic data orgy #3

In which we speak of talking dirty in person and on the phone

This installment tells us many things: Those who are satisfied are the largest voting bloc, but those who aren’t outnumber them. Sharing sex fantasies is more popular than not sharing them. A lot of people have experimented with an alternate gender sex partner, but most haven’t. Cybersex is way too out there for most Burqueños—we prefer phone sex even though it’s not 1995 anymore. And talking dirty is near-universally accepted as the lingua franca of the bedroom. In fact, it may be what binds us together as a race.

On a related note, when the term “Burqueños” is used, we really mean “the 1,405 people who took all or part of our survey, 486 of whom are 22-30 years old and most of whom (969) are under 40.” In case that wasn’t obvious, I mean.

Are you satisfied with your current sexual situation?

Do you share your sexual fantasies with your partner?

Have you had a sexual encounter outside the gender you're used to?

Do you engage in cybersex?

Have you had phone sex?

Do you like talking dirty?

Sex and Its Discontents

Alibi Sex Survey graphgasmic data orgy #2

In which we finally share the sexual frequency of Burqueños in greater detail

Welcome back to the unscientific sharing of self-reported sexual proclivities of Albuquerque residents. This stuff is straight out of the SurveyMonkey data banks (you can also blame them for the cheesy infographic look), so I don’t want to hear any more complaints about histograms, telegrams or candygrams. This is as scientific as it’s gonna get.

The main take-aways here? Alibi readers do it frequently, probably more often than they floss their teeth. They do it together and they do it alone. They have no fear of employing power tools or other prosthetic devices, and they “sometimes” like to mix it up with booze and illicit substances. In other words, this town is one big sex party. Here’s the proof:

How frequently do you have sex with a partner?

Let’s hear it for “multiple times a week!”
Let’s hear it for “multiple times a week!”

How frequently do you masturbate?

And again!
And again!

Have you used sex toys?

The great tragedy is that we didn’t ask WHICH sex toys.
The great tragedy is that we didn’t ask WHICH sex toys.

Do you mix alcohol and/or drugs with sex?

Dear survey-taker, just because you did it ONE TIME without booze or pot, that does not qualify you to answer “sometimes.”
Dear survey-taker, just because you did it ONE TIME without booze or pot, that does not qualify you to answer “sometimes.”
Sex and Its Discontents

Alibi Sex Survey graphgasmic data orgy #1

That’s right, I said graphgasmic

Well, I coulda called it. In fact, I did call it: The hate mail has already started to pour in from pissed-off statisticians who found the (ahem) science of the Alibi’s First Ever Sex Survey to be somewhat slipshod. One guy even took issue with the “missing interval” in our when-did-you-lose-your-virginity graph and called our histogram “poorly constructed.” Them’s fightin’ words, partner! And if we knew what a histogram was, we’d be goddamn well pissed off about it. But let’s just get this out there right in the open right now: those finding the science to be lacking simply failed to notice that there was no science AT ALL. Dammit, Jim, I’m a newspaper man, not a statistician.

Here’s the truth: We used the WRONG NUMBERS for the virginity/age graph. They were actually the numbers from the “how old are you” demographic question, hence the failure of the graph to “correlate with the discussion.” So in the end, it’s not a question of missing intervals and histowhatsits, it is instead a question of being a fuckup.

In the interest of both science and setting the record straight, here now is the RIGHT GRAPH—both a legible one with low-scoring answers omitted (a practice applied to pretty much all the graphs we ran) and an ALMOST ILLEGIBLE one with ALL THE DATA (including such spurious answers as “0” and “1”). Happy? I hope so. More sexy graphs to come. Stay tuned.

Correctamundo
Correctamundo

Completamundo
Completamundo

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