Indiana's Joyous Goodbye to Mike Pence

Anticipating greater tragedies to come

Lord Voldemort
Lord Voldemort

As a native Hoosier, I feel like I am in the unique position to express both sadness that the hateful, enemy-of-all-women Mike Pence will (presumably) be Donald Trump's running mate in the 2016 election, but also great joy that he will be out of my home state and ceasing to make us look bad. Being saddled with the dying city of Gary is bad enough.

As Samantha Bee said, "Indiana hates Mike Pence as much as Indiana Jones hates snakes." And it's true. The Indiana Governor is so out-of-touch that in a 1999 op-ed he wrote that Disney's Mulan was a ploy to get women to enlist in the military, describing it as "mischievous liberal propaganda." About as mischievous as, say, trying to mandate funerals for aborted fetuses. Pence also claimed in a 2001 essay that "despite the hysteria from the political class and the media, smoking doesn't kill. In fact, two out of every three smokers does not die from a smoking related illness." Meaning: one in three smokers does die from a smoking related illness, which seems like a pretty high number to me, but you know, I'm not in line for the presidency or anything.

In summary: Mike Pence is somehow even crazier than other notable, absolutely out-of-their-mind Indiana natives like both Michael and La Toya Jackson and Axl Rose. Hands down zanier and more of a bigot than Red Skelton.

We don't have the best legacy in Indiana, but we do have Plan-It-X records, Bloomington and Indianapolis, the Hoosier National Forest and Clifty Falls State Park, Larry Bird and Brendan Frasier.

That Mike Pence will be added to Indiana's legacy, instead of written from history as the terrible, bumbling governor he is, is a regional tragedy, and sadly,on track to become a national one.