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One man deals with unemployment

In an attempt to rein in expenses after the unfortunate loss of my job, (I believe it was captured by hack pirates in choppy waters off of the Rio Abajo.) I switched medications.

The pill I usually take to fend off unpleasant thoughts regarding the amount of perceived bodily fluids in my Hot Pockets doesn’t work well anyway and costs $120 a bottle without insurance.

My sanity is not worth that much, so I began dating the older sister of my usual pill, a bargain at four dollars a bottle. The new pill made me feel both tired and nervous, two unpleasant sensations now available at the same time.

I tried cutting the pills in half and now seem to be half as nervous and 63 percent less tired (this amount of self analysis is exhausting, by the way.) The only problem: being too tired to think did prevent any invasive thoughts about theoretical fluids being present in frozen foods or condiments. That’s back. Yay.

If only I could start smoking again. I never had any of these problems when I sucked down 33 Marlboros a day. My clothes had holes burned all over them and there was that pesky lesion in the back of my throat, but no fluids.
Smoking is not an option, however. At seven dollars per pack, two packs a day, I would have to resort to petty theft to get my smoke on. This would undoubtedly lead to prison, where they would give me the generic sister of my crazy pills. The net result would be the same except the fluids in the food would be quite real.

Public Comments (3)
  • Make sure you bill the govt. for it  [ Mon Jul 26 2010 8:08 PM ]

    One of my friends earned 100K per year before the economy flatted. Now I give him $20 per lift for a piece of my customer's heavy somethings. I am struggling too, not with the lift, but with the economy. Hopefully the idiot who posted this will work for me, and understand things - like genuine weight on your back.


  • Humorous anxiety  [ Tue Jul 27 2010 11:06 AM ]

    Sorry you're having a rough time but thanks for sharing the humor. This gave me a good laugh. Not your troubles. Rather your story of your troubles. You know what I mean.

    Hang in there on the side effects. I've found they usually go away after a month and actually start to make you feel better (imagine!). 1 month of misery for a good while of sanity; it's worth it for me.

  • Mr Bear needs a Bull market, or a Bull's target on his you know what  [ Wed Jul 28 2010 9:24 PM ]

    Ms Faun may have been making fun of me. I re-read this several times and considered it for a few days. Ultimately the point I was making before is that our hero, John Bear can qualify for a buy-out, though it disagrees with every molecule in every cell of my being. Some peeps I employ or know are working the system for unbelievable amounts of public aid. Can you imagine why a 6'3" 195lb white man gets unemployment bennies for 2 plus years and more on the way? When he can lift his end of a 600lb+ object? And food stamps. And a weekly trip to the nice Catholic ladies at the food bank for a boxfull of donated food and supplies.

    I guess my point is, are we too soft on slackers and has the pendulum swung too far toward the unproductive members of society, versus the the workers amongst us? I'm a charitable guy who employs the down and out and I've been burned so many times I should be in the ICU.

    The flood of ex-pats heading to Costa Rica, Panama and Uruguay grows daily. And where those jobs are goin', they ain't comin' back.



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