One of the many reasons why I hate myself

A hack's guide to smoking cessation

I quit smoking three years ago. It was necessary. I smoked two packs a day and a leathery, precancerous lesion was beginning to form in the back of my throat. It was also taking over my life. I had to schedule everything around smoking.

It was slavery.

Now that I no longer smoke, smokers often ask me how I quit (They don't actually. I just tell them.)

You can use the patch, but it's like quitting three times.
Each time you switch to the smaller patch, you shake sweat and pray for death. It confuses the body. The cigarettes are gone, but the nicotine remains. The patch provides a steady stream of the drug, not the spike and dip of a cigarette.

Forget the patch.

There are nicotine lozenges but they deliver 4 milligrams of nicotine. You will literally vomit nicotine out of your eye sockets.

Cold turkey is the only way to go. Some people say cut down then quit. Forget about it. This is the patented John Bear quit smoking method.

Wake up the day before you quit and smoke a pack of Marlboro Reds. Then smoke another pack of Marlboro Reds. Then smoke a pack of Newports. (And gobble serotonin reuptake inhibitors like candy.)

You will never smoke again.