Meet Lulu

An exploration of our little-read staffblock

Crystal Ball Polisher:

Lulu the Magnificent

In the turmoil-riddled world of journalism, it helps to know exactly what the future holds.

The fact that the Alibi has been harnessing the supernatural powers of a crystal ball to see what lies beyond should surprise no one. What might be a bit of a shock though, is the intensive maintenance crystal balls require. When ours gets a little dusty or scratched up, we don't let just anyone polish our ball. With such an expensive piece of office equipment, you need someone with a ton of crystal ball polishing experience. Luckily for us, we've found such a person in Ms. Lulu the Magnificent.

As of late, Lulu has been a bit shaken up due to her body's bad reaction to the harsh, synthetic chemicals used in the polishing process. Lulu recalls the incident in which she had to be rushed to the hospital after passing out from the polishing fumes.

"I know it's hard to believe, given my line of work, but the whole thing was completely unexpected," Lulu recalls. "I remember thinking, if I had just shined that ball the way I know I can, I could have seen this coming."

Lulu's passion for polishing is matched only by her love of sports bars. "I like to see the games of which I know the outcomes and enjoy a big plate of nachos while I'm at it," Lulu explains. "I have a blast!"