“Big Brother: All-Stars” (KRQE-13 7 p.m.) So, these people have to live in a house where all their phone calls are monitored, and they’re under 24-hour surveillance. ... How does that make them different from any other U.S. citizen these days?
“The Dudesons” (Spike 8 p.m.) A quartet of Finnish dudes stick their testicles in mousetraps, light each other on fire, jump over moving cars, fling poo and otherwise prove that “Jackass” is now the official international language of stupid.
“Raising the Roofs” (Spike 8:30 p.m.) Finally, a reality show about the home life of actor Michael Roof. Who the hell is Michael Roof you ask? Well, he played Toby Lee Shavers in xXx: State of the Union and Dil Driscoll in The Dukes of Hazzard. Apparently, his family consists of some fat idiot hillbillies who drink beer and fart a lot. Color me fascinated.
“Psych” (USA 8 p.m.) USA finds another monosyllabically titled detective show to pair with “Monk.” In this one, a young super-sleuth with uncanny deductive skills gets hired by the police department after convincing them he’s really a psychic (which he isn’t). Corbin Bernsen is in it, if that makes a difference to ya.
Slayer (Sci-Fi 7 p.m.) A soldier (Casper Van Dien) is forced to hunt down his best friend when the guy gets bitten by a vampire and turned into one of the living dead. Man, I hate it when that happens.
“Chapelle’s Show” (Comedy Central 10 p.m.) CC has miraculously stitched together a few new episodes from the season that Chapelle ankled. Enjoy it while you can.
“Reno 911!” (Comedy Central 11:30) The 4th season gets underway tonight. Four magic words: Carrot Top guest stars.
“I Love the ’70s: Vol. 2” (VH1 6 p.m.) I’ll be the first to admit that VH1 is flogging a dead horse here. But it happens to be a horse I like.
“Pee-wee’s Playhouse” (Cartoon Network 12 a.m.) Pee-wee Herman returns to TV for the first time in decades as CN reruns late-night episodes of his classically warped kiddy show.
“Hi-Jinks” (Nickelodeon 7:30 p.m.) D-list stars (Alan Thicke, Richard Kind, Meredith Vieira, Gilbert Gottfried, Ted McGinley) are recruited to trick kids in the second season of Nick-at-Night’s answer to “Punk’d.”
“DMX: Soul of a Man” (BET 7 p.m.) Rap star DMX, freshly released from jail, tries to simplify his life by moving to the tiny town of Carefree, Ariz. By sheer coincidence, there’s a reality show film crew following him.
“Project Runway” (Bravo 7 p.m.) Yeah, I waste a lot of breath insulting TV reality shows. But I gotta admit, this fashion-conscious elimination show (entering its third season tonight) is pretty addictive. Hey, at least the people involved actually do something.