http://alibi.com/news/16213/article.html
News/Opinion
‹‹ V.15 No.35 | August 31 - September 6, 2006

Thin Line

By John Bear

Iran All The Way Home--If we may, for a moment, put the JonBenet Ramsey case aside, a much more pressing issue is at hand.

As of late, whenever the media takes a break from the pointless story du jour, Iran comes up with greater and greater frequency. Our president has been rattling his saber at Iran during most of his presidency. This is nothing new; however, I’ve noticed he’s revved it up substantially over the past few weeks because of the situation in Lebanon and the United Nations’ threats of sanctions if the Middle East powerhouse doesn’t cease its pursuit of nuclear weapons.

Now, the U.N. can do whatever it wants, but the United States is foolish to beef with the Iranians. We have so much in common--most of it superficial and stupid--but eerily similar, nonetheless.

First of all, el Presidente refers to Iran as one of the spokes on the “Axis of Evil.” Iran calls us Sheitan e Bozorg, which roughly translated means “Big Evil.”

Neither country has any respect for women. The only difference is Iran would prefer the ladies stay fully clothed when they keep their damn mouths shut.

The United States and Iran are both run by small but influential cabals of religious fundamentalists. Ours are Christians and theirs are Muslims, but that’s kind of like The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi--different films but all part of the same overrated trilogy.

Both countries love meddling in the affairs of others, supplying weapons to shadowy militant groups. The U.S. supplied the Mujahedeen in Afghanistan so they could fight the Soviets in the '80s. They soundly beat those Russkies and subsequently morphed into a now world-famous group called “The Base,” or, in Arabic, Al Qaeda. Iran currently supports Hezbollah, Arabic for "Party of God," and, coincidentally, "GOP" backwards. Perhaps one day Hezbollah will forget it hates Israel and turn on its present master. It happened to us; it can happen to them.

Iran waged a bloody war with Iraq that lasted nine years. Our present conflict with those Mesopotamians has only been going for three and a half, but I’d lay even money that we'll catch up. If you count Gulf War One and the on-again, off-again bombing, we’ve been fighting Iraq for 16 years. How's that for stamina?

Iran and the U.S. have so much in common. Let’s not fight. We need those 40 million or so Persians on our side when Pakistan inevitably becomes our sworn enemy in 10 years. Or Saudi Arabia. Or … take your pick. I can’t keep track anymore.