“The Celebrity Apprentice” (KOB-4 8 p.m.) Who the hell are Tiffany Fallon, Jennie Finch, Nely Galan and Piers Morgan? How does Omarosa, one of the losers from season one’s “The Apprentice,” count as a celebrity? Hell, not even Stephen Baldwin actually counts as a celebrity, people. You need at least Adam Baldwin or higher.
“How to Look Good Naked” (Lifetime 7 p.m.) Step one: Take your clothes off.
“Top This Party” (Lifetime 8 p.m.) A divorcée has a Casino Royale-themed party. We watch.
“Miss America Reality Check” (TLC 8 p.m.) Honestly, we don’t care about the Miss America Pageant anymore. Turning it into a reality show isn’t going to help.
“ABC News Special: Coverage of the New Hampshire Debates” (KOAT-7 7 p.m.) I’m already asleep.
“Alien Abductions: True Confessions” (WE 10 p.m.) We can only hope this new series features lots of talk about probing.
“American Gladiators” (KOB-4 8 p.m.) Not only is the once-syndicated sports competition back on the air, it’s being hosted by Hulk Hogan. It’s like one big ’80s flashback.
“Cashmere Mafia” (KOAT-7 9 p.m.) Four ambitious and sexy women (Lucy Liu, Frances O’Connor, Miranda Otto and Bonnie Somerville) navigate career and love in New York City. Sound like “Sex and the City”? It should. “Sex and the City” producer Darren Star tried to sell an adaptation of Sex and the City author Candice Bushnell’s book Lipstick Jungle. After a falling out, Star changed the name and sold it to another network, creating dueling pilots. (“Lipstick Jungle” will air on NBC.)
“Dance War: Bruno vs. Carrie Ann” (KOAT-7 7 p.m.) Look what you’ve done, America. Your fanatical devotion to the assorted splinter groups within “Dancing With the Stars” has led to a full-scale dance war. I hope you’re happy.
“13th Annual Critics’ Choice Awards Red Carpet Premiere” (VH1 6 p.m.) Before the Critics’ Choice Awards are named, feel free to hang out on the red carpet and watch all the stars refusing to cross the picket line.
“Street Patrol” (KASY-50 7 p.m.) It’s “COPS.” ... But with a different title entirely.
“34th Annual People’s Choice Awards” (KRQE-13 8 p.m.) Allegedly, there will be no hosts, no guests, no film clips, no audience. So, basically it boils down to someone reading names off a list. For two hours.
“Guinea Pig” (Sci-Fi 7 p.m.) This pseudoscientific “Jackass” clone features some dude named Ryan Stock who tries to “explore the limits of human endurance” by getting shot with Taser guns, tackled by football players and bitten by insects.
“Parking Wars” (A&E 8 p.m.) What could be more exciting than a “COPS” rip-off? A “COPS” rip-off about meter maids.
“Ghost Hunters International” (Sci-Fi 7 p.m.) The Ghost Hunters go overseas, looking for EVPs with quaint British accents.