“The Real Housewives of D.C.” (Bravo 7 p.m.) Thank goodness White House gatecrasher Michaele Salahi has finally been punished for her flagrant breach of national security. And by “punished,” I mean “given her own reality show.”
“Stan Lee’s Superhumans” (History 8 p.m.) My all-time-favorite shameless self-promoter hosts this documentary series, examining people with real-life “superpowers”—like the dude who’s immune to electricity, or the man who can see the world through echolocation, or the Human Calculator. It’s not like any of them are gonna defeat Galactus or anything, but it’s still cool.
“My Child Is a Monkey” (National Geographic 7 p.m.) No, it’s not. Your monkey is being dressed up in baby clothes and used as a unwitting substitute for a real child, you emotionally damaged freak, you.
“Wrestlemania XXVI” (KOB-4 8 p.m.) NBC broadcasts highlights of the recent pro wrestling event. ... Which would be cool if it still involved Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant. But, sadly, it does not.
“The Uprising” (Animal Planet 7 p.m.) This one-hour special documents “surprising instances of aggression [that] suggest animal species across the globe are becoming more violent toward humans.” ... Hmm. Who else is up for a Food of the Gods remake?
Wild Child (ABC Family 6 p.m.) Emma Roberts, being Julia Roberts’ niece, was supposed to be major superstar material. Apparently not. After nonstarters like Aquamarine, Nancy Drew and Hotel for Dogs, this tween comedy sat on the shelf for two years before making its way to basic cable. For what it’s worth, Roberts plays a spoiled American brat who gets shipped off to a strict British boarding school. Hijinks and important life lessons ensue.
“Sunday Night Football: Preseason” (KOB-4 6 p.m.) Bengals vs. Cowboys. Wait, what? No. It’s still summer. Still summer, I tell you!
“Bachelor Pad” (KOAT-7 7 p.m.) ABC, unwilling to come up with any remotely fresh ideas and far too lazy to even hire anyone new, simply gathers a bunch of former contestants from “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” and sticks them in one of those camera-equipped “Real World” houses. That, dear readers, is what network executives call a hard day’s work.
“Teen Choice Awards 2010” (KASA-2 7 p.m.) Honorees include Chris Colfer, Travis Pastrana, Rachelle Lefevre and Kevin McHale. Performers include Jason Derulo, Travie McCoy and Bruno Mars. If that weren’t enough, Cory Monteith and Mark Salling host! ... Well, whatta ya know. I am old. I don’t know a single one of those names.
“Hair Battle Spectacular” (Oxygen 11 p.m.) Yes, it’s another hairstyling competition show. But at least it’s outrageous. In tonight’s season premiere, contestants must create a hairstyle that holds water—in the literal sense, not the figurative.
“Work of Art: The Next Great Artist” (Bravo 8 p.m.) Aaaand America’s next great artist whose name you will never hear again is ...