13 reasons why I love Valentine’s Day
1.) Because it fucking sucks and was created by Satan.
2.) It makes me think of all the happiest moments in my life, and how they are tainted and smoldering in a violent ashen ball of dishonesty, backstabbing and infidelity.
3.) Belgian chocolate and red wine are for the birds. I want something freshly killed and dripping blood paired with a warm pint of Canadian Mist and a 6-pack of Mickey's big mouths.
4.) By now you've probably realized the irony in the title of this piece. I'm not the first to decry this horseshit-disguised-as-chocolate-mousse excuse for marketing, capitalism and the disgusting fact that some people actually do sincerely care about each other, but trust me lovebirds, it will pass. It always does. People are inherently selfish, callous and evil. Do yourself a favor and turn that silver-plated dinner fork into a weapon and get the agony over with. In the end, it's either you or them. Your choice.
5.) Those little candy hearts taste like Pepto-Bismol mixed with sidewalk chalk and are the human dietary equivalent of rat poisoning. Whoever made them can suck my dick.
6.) Because you can't actually get a Wild Turkey I.V. machine.
7.) Because this isn't Canada where "heartbreak" is a viable medical reason to get prescription painkillers.
8.) Because it doesn't make me want to listen to Death Cab for Cutie in the dark while crying and gingerly scraping a dull plastic knife across my wrists.
9.) Because it doesn't make me want to listen to Adele's "Someone Like You" in the dark while crying and gingerly scraping a dull plastic knife across my wrists.
10.) Because, as the song says, "Lean a little bit closer, see, roses really smell like poo poo." Actually, roses smell nice. Except when you've taken a shit in a bouquet and left it on your ex's doorstep. In that case, I'd have to agree with Outkast.
11.) The fruit basket industry is run by, and caters to, intolerable douchebags.
12.) "C'mon baby, just give me a second chance. I promise I won't (fill in the blank) ever again, or call your mom a (fill in a longer blank)."
13.) It always ends in a drunk dial.