Are You Going to Hell?
By Beelzebub Baker
The entire staff of the Alibi took the following quiz, and to our dismay the answer is yes—yes, we are all going to hell. I, for one, don't care. It's going to be a party down there complete with delicious pelican meat.
Have you yet to hear the good news?
Do you savor the taste of human flesh?
Do you recoil at the touch of sunlight on your skin?
Do you cohabitate with a man or woman out of wedlock?
Have you ever eaten more than one slice of pie at a single sitting?
Do you have red hair, like Satan?
Have you ever masturbated?
Do you covet your neighbor's wife?
According to Deuteronomy 14:17, the Lord forbids you to eat pelicans. Have you ever eaten a pelican?
Do you collect Leave It To Beaver memorabilia?
Do you secretly think the Bible is boring?
Do you ever page through the back section of the Alibi?
Have you tried the new chicken fries?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, I hope you and your soul have fun burning in the fiery pits of hell for all eternity. Unless, that is, you'll let us tell you about the Lord's good word ...
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