Dating with Derek
Dating can be difficult and confusing to some of you men. Let my many years of success with the fairer sex be your guidance, and you'll be wrapped in the warm embrace of your future life-partner before St. Valentine's Day.
Asking Her Out
This is perhaps the most crucial part of any date, as one false step here could ruin a relationship before it even starts. When asking a woman to go on a date, remember these three steps: 1) If calling her on the phone, always identify yourself: "Hello, Brenda, this is Derek. No, we don't know each other, but I'd like to change that. I got your number from Steve. Yes, your husband, Steve." 2) Don't beat around the bush. A woman likes a man who's confident and knows what he wants. This is what I usually say: "My name's Derek, but you may as well call me Nostradamus. I see cocktails and dinner with me in your future, and that husband of yours in your past." Never fails. 3) Get off the phone quickly as an extended conversation could exhaust any topics you might want to save for dinner. "Whoops. I gotta go, Brenda, nature calls. These forests aren't going to save themselves."
Picking Her Up
Of course, it is nice to show up at your date's house with a present. I always bring punctuality as my gift. This shows that I am organized and trustworthy. I also bring the gifts of cleanliness, positivity and sobriety. Also, remember to open doors for the lovely lady. Chivalry may be gone, but Derek is here to stay, and today's woman is very grateful to a man who remembers the little things, be it opening a door, opening a jar, or opening her heart and mind to new possibilities of a man who knows how to treat a beautiful woman.
On the Date
Let her speak. If you find that she is nervous, some encouraging words are always welcome: "What's the matter? A little shy? Nothing to be shy about, it's just the two of us: you and you. Oh, I'm sorry, it's just that you're the only thing on my mind right now." Be sure to ask her questions about what she does, her hobbies, etc. "What do you do? Let me guess. You have strong looking hands and a keen eye for detail. You're a sculptor. Oh, you're a schoolteacher? Then I was right, you are a sculptor; you sculpt lives and minds. That's true art. What grade? All grades, you say? Retarded kids? More like retired kids. Retired from being retarded, thanks to you. I believe in you, Brenda." It's OK to talk about yourself but be sure not to go on too long. She wants to learn about you, but keep your answers short and concise so you can turn your attentions towards her again. Like this: "Yes, I do have siblings. I have about 6 billion brothers and sisters. We all live in the same house. It's called Earth. Let's keep that house clean shall we? Do you have any siblings?"
If you feel the date has been going well and are not yet ready to turn in, the post-date cocktail or "night cap" is a great way to unwind after an exciting evening of getting to know one another. Here is a fail-safe way to ask your date up to your apartment: Place one hand on her knee and, while staring deep into her eyes, being careful not to blink, say, "I've had a wonderful evening, and while drinking you in right now is quite satiating for me, perhaps you'd like to come up to my place for a libation?" In the unlikely event that this does not work, try the old standby: "Wow. It's still early ... I'd bet it's only about 9 or so. I can't be sure, though, maybe we should go inside and look at the clock that's sitting on my ornate nightstand that I got while vacationing in South Africa." This, of course, will not only get your date into your lair, but also inspire conversation.
Congratulations, you've made it, but beware: Although lovemaking comes naturally to most of us, proper etiquette is still very important at this stage.
DO wear a condom. Even if she knows about your clean bill of health, and has herself taken precautions, the condom is a courtesy that will not soon be forgotten. It says, "By using protection during our most sacred of private times, you can be sure that in the future I will protect you and, when we're both ready, our children."
DO turn off your phone. A phone ringing during the throes of love-sex could be distracting and might ruin the mood. If you forget and the phone does ring during your passion, say this: "That's just your orgasm calling, to let you know that it's on her way."
DO keep an extra hair-tie handy. Be sure to pull your long curly locks into a "pony's tail." She'll appreciate looking at your face during coitus as much as she was enjoying the cascade of hair draped over your shoulders during dinner.
DO warn of impending release. A woman is always grateful to know that you are about to reach the peak of the mountain the two of you have been climbing. When you know it's time, say this, "Are you prepared to receive my seed?" Do not say, "It burns. Something really burns."
DON'T slap her in the face. No matter how much she deserves it.
DON'T run to the shower. A woman may take offense to you feeling the need to wash after coitus. Instead bathe in the love the two of you have just made.
DON'T fall asleep. It's natural to feel a bit sleepy after hours and hours of intense and rewarding union, but fight the urge to nap. As a staying-awake exercise try to remember her name while you lay there together.
Ryan McGarvey • blues, guitar at Low Spirits
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