The Stylish Albuquerquean
Be the talk of the town with the Alibi's guide to "hot" spring fashions
Sure, there are those out there who think fashion is something that's reserved only for the vain and the idle rich, but when you take into account the fact that first impressions tend to be based on appearance, who can afford not to care about personal adornment? I mean, most people are just as shallow as you are, anyway.
The trick is to combine aesthetics with utility. Every year, spring fashions are paraded around in glamorous cities across the globe, and what does the layman get out of it? A bunch of mixed messages, that's what. For instance, this year, both Dickies and coolates are in, but is wearing them together a fashion faux pas? Does one dare to mix-and-match tie-dyes and bolo ties? And with so many thick and scratchy fabrics, how do you keep cool in the hot sun and look good at the same time? Don't worry, it's a dry heat, and if you keep reading we'll tell you how to look your best in the coming warm months, whether your name is Carol or Carlos.
So here's the Alibi's how-to guide for expressing yourself with fashions that are in this season. With it, you'll have our blessing to freely pair anything with everything, and the confidence of knowing that you are the most stylish female or fashionable male on the block or in the barrio.
Above the Belt
Half shirt: Half the shirt, twice as cool. When paired with running shorts, this combo creates the illusion that you are a giant wearing the clothes of a mortal man. Men will flee while women cower in frightened yet excited allegiance in the presence of your well-tanned magnificence.
Muscle T: Beat the heat into bloody submission with a muscle T! Muscles are a classic, and they're in this spring. Naturally, you want to offer these pals a good companion, and what's better than the shirt made for showing them off? Look good as you point ladies in the right direction while letting nerds, a-holes and other rednecks know about your pummeling capabilities.
Name-brand T: Help advertise for your favorite brand name and fit in at school at the same time. You get bonus points if it's extra extra large and worn with wind pants.
Tie-dye: It's making a comeback, but did it ever actually leave the limelight? Hell no, it was just kicking back with a fatty spliff, biding its time.
Dickies: Pair these with tank tops for a total affront to turtleneck culture.
Boob Tube: Also known as the “tube top” or “strapless bra,” this garment will complete any outfit that's missing the part that covers boobs.
Neckerchief: Like its cousin, the handkerchief, the neckerchief is simply a piece of fabric worn to accent an already fantastic outfit. Only it's like, 70 times gayer.
The Uniform Shirt: “Whoa! Hold on a sec. Is Doug wearing a UPS shirt? No way! I know he doesn't work for UPS ... so where did he get it? Christ in Heaven! The name on his shirt says ’Greg'! That's not his name! I can't breath ... I ... just ... can't ... believe ... it. I have to have him now.” This is one of many similar reactions you will get when you don the uniform shirt. Who cares what uniform it comes from? Make up the story and count the notches that add up on your bedpost.
Bolo Ties: This fashion “yes” says, "I'm hip to the scene, but I haven't forgotten my ranching roots." Bolo ties are the official neckwear of Arizona, but those with ornamental clasps in the shape of Texas are the classic. New Mexicans should also consider turquoise. (Note: You'd be surprised what other unassuming Western wear is hot this season, too! Like spurs, lassos and chaps without pants. Add a hay straw to the side of your mouth for the perfect finishing touch!)
The Creepy Overcoat: Whether you want to protect yourself from the elements or just make others think you could expose yourself at any moment, the creepy overcoat is a must year-round.
Below the Belt
Parachute pants: Safety first! Ha, ha, just kidding, bro. With their roominess and superior ventilation, when you say, “There's a party in my pants,” everyone will know you aren't kidding.
Skorts: Is she wearing shorts or a skirt? You'll have to wait for her to get on a bike to find out! This item comes with a capital “V” for versatility. Look classy without having to say “no” to an impromptu game of sports.
Short Shorts: In a shocking turn of events, it seems as though even the cottage cheesiest of legs can now fashionably wear hot pants. So grab a doughnut, cut off those pants or jeans and let your unsightly flab proudly hang out.
Codpiece: There's nothing more unfashionable than damaged stones. The codpiece will not only save you from this embarrassment, it will accentuate minimal endowments and make you look 50-percent tougher.
Freeballing: Feel the freedom of air dancing gently on your delicate man privates.
Foreskin: Wear your penis the way God, and this year's European runways, intended.
The Whole Body
Unitards: What does “unitard” mean? One-retard. Wear one and find out why.
The Barrel: Someone steal your clothes at that wild spring-break party, in the alley where you slept or in the medieval mead-house, as it were? Take off that lampshade (box or fur codpiece), and put on a barrel!
Naked: A hurried morning can often lead to embarrassing fashion decisions as our minds are more focused on getting to work, school or the bar on time. Weather permitting, this old standby is a great last-minute outfit for the procrastinator. If nudity is illegal in your community, just tell your local law-enforcement agent that you're wearing a nude-colored unitard, and any pubic hair he sees is just his thick, bristly, mustache getting in his eyes.
The Wet Look: Let's make one thing clear: Nobody should ever think you aren't 10 seconds away from a swimming pool, no matter where you are. Got that?
Comb-over: Hang on to what little dignity your head has left by making side hair magically cover your bald spot tonight.
Neck Beards: Shave the face, let the neck go crazy. For males, the wily facial hair cousins that grow south of the jawline will immensely improve the general morale of your facial hair.
Frosted Tips: Delicious, dreamy and totally hot (or should I say “cold”) this spring!
The Sun Visor: Want the face-shade that the baseball cap provides without hiding your new perm? Try on a visor and get the best of both worlds. Want the sun in your eyes? Wear it to the side and confuse the shit out of everyone.
Linen Berets: Why beat around the bush? Let everybody know, from up to 300 yards away, that you're an introspective moron.
The Bag: Perfect for dealing with blemishes, bad hair, unsightly noses, ears and walks of shame.
Oakley Razors: Wearing these sunglasses is like telling the sun to go fuck itself.
High-tops: Nothing says “I can't play basketball at all” like covering up your flimsy ankles with high-tops.
Orthopedic Shoes: Feel like you're walking on a cloud and way ahead of the game in anticipating your foot problems. These aren't shoes, they're foot cushions.
Flamenco Shoes: Put on these pinche cabrónes and feel self-confidence straighten your spine, narrow your brow and shame all others who have even tried to dance.
Snowshoes: Practical people would reason that snowshoes are exclusively for the most unforgiving of arctic and subarctic climates, but fashionable people know they tame whatever's underfoot, globally, including the hard-to-maneuver desert sand. These are also great for a sudden game of tennis.
Birkenstocks: These form-fitting sandals are the Sealy Mattress of the shoe world without all that pesky “space shuttle” technology. Wear some Birkenstocks and turn casual Friday into casual life.
Cardboard: Tie it on with twine and tell everyone proudly, “I've moved out of my box and turned my former home into shoes.”
For more fashion advice, pay a visit to alibi.com where our exceedingly fashionable editorial staff will answer you burning questions. (If your “burning questions” regard genitals, seek a physician's advice.)