Most quizzes either evaluate our inadequacy regarding academics or tell us whether he’s a stud or a dud. This one, however, is designed to help you determine your shopping style in hopes that this year, in the face of rampant materialism and the demise of your savings, you’ll have a more efficient and overall successful shopping experience.
1. When you see large displays of Christmas cheer you think …
a) Is it Christmas already? Shiiiieeeet.
b) I’ll join in by making my infamous red and green Jell-O mold!
c) Why don’t you heathens just sacrifice a pig and get it over with?
d) Can’t wait to whittle ornaments out of free-range lumber.
e) I almost feel as warm and fuzzy as I do when I hear a kitten mewl.
f) Let’s make Manhattans and sing “Auld Lang Syne.”
2. When you roll into a post-Thanksgiving, pre-Christmas shopping mall parking lot, you say:
a) “Thank goodness I walked.”
b) “Uh oh! Look at all the cars, Fluffy! We’re gonna have to park far away, aren’t we? Aren’t we? Yes we are. You’re a good dog, aren’t you? Aren’t you?”
c) “I bet I can think of another store that isn’t this crowded and can fulfill all of my holiday shopping needs.”
d) “Everything happens for a reason. The Creator will have me park where he wants me to park. Jah!”
e) “I prefer to park far away. My fancy car would surely get dinged in all of this madness.”
f) “I love the mall.”
3. Rita leaves Chicago by train at 8 a.m. traveling 60 mph toward Denver, while Ralph leaves Denver by train at 9 a.m. traveling 70 mph toward Chicago. How long will it take before they meet?
a) Schools put way too much emphasis on math.
b) I don’t know when, but I do know that eventually they will meet. And that’s nice.
c) I own the railroads between Denver and Chicago.
d) I’m just going to find the answer in the back of the book …
e) I wonder how much it costs to take pets aboard?
f) The real question is why the airlines and automakers suppress train travel.
4. When you think “stocking stuffer,” you think …
b) Mini stuffed reindeer wearing little plaid jackets.
c) Scented candles, dark chocolate and tiny bottles of cognac.
d) Oranges, to remind us of our modern, first-world privileges.
e) Treats and chew toys.
f) Knitted scarves, wishes and a bundle of sage.
5. What’s your Holiday decoration style?
a) Statuettes, all over the damn place.
b) A festive sweater on my pooch.
c) Christmas decorations are a product of the capitalist holiday machine.
d) I like to decorate my television with football, and my hand with beer.
e) A homespun wreath made from compostable materials.
f) Me, wrapped in a red chenille blanket by the fire with a fine Pinot Noir, a little Bing Crosby and my lover.
6. What’s the best type of music for shopping?
a) Lite rock.
c) That album with the barking dogs and meowing cats.
d) Soothing new age.
e) I try to ignore the music.
f) I shop to the beat of my own drum.
7. I like to wrap my presents in:
a) Sheets of uncut $50 bills.
b) Uh … wrapping paper. Duh.
c) Pre-cycled newspaper.
d) Bargain paper with different holiday phrases scrolled across it in cursive.
e) You don’t wrap puppies!
f) A shroud of mystery.
8. What kind of lights do you put on your Christmas tree?
a) Tasteful white lights, sans blinking.
b) The big ones that burn when you touch them. We’ve had them since the ’70s.
c) Whiskers always bats the ornaments and tries to climb the tree, so I usually skip it altogether.
e) I cover the tree with the photos of the children that I sponsor from around the world. Those faces are brighter than any lights.
f) Lights waste energy--instead, I use strands of popcorn.
9. Who was the best U.S. president?
e) Not Teddy Roosevelt.
10. Where did you get your pants?
a) Until everyone in the world has a pair, I will go without pants.
b) Lane Bryant.
c) Oh, I made them from hemp cloth.
d) Pacific Avenue.
e) The Animal Humane Society Thrift Store.
f) The same place I got all my pants: Costco.
11. If your perfect gift were a New Mexican dish, what would it be?
a) Chicharones: They make an abstract painting out of my digestive system.
b) Green chile chicken enchiladas: classic and loved by all.
c) Organic huevos rancheros: satisfy the body and soul.
d) Vegetarian enchiladas: delicious and kinder to animals.
e) Stuffed sopaipilla: more to love.
f) Penne with a garlic white wine sauce, green chile and Reggiano: a modern, healthy and sophisticated take on tradition.
12. I always say …
a) “Stuffed antlers on a dog make me cream myself.”
b) “You can’t put a price on a gift from the heart, especially if you didn’t have to pay for it.”
c) “Helping others makes me feel better than everyone.”
d) “If I can’t find it at Costco, it’s either illegal drugs or I don’t need it.”
e) “A stitch in time saves ... oh screw it, I’ll just buy another pair of pants.”
f) “Everybody can use a snow globe. I don’t care if they’re blind.”
13. What’s your favorite thing about Jesus?
a) His love of all creatures.
b) His magnificent beard.
c) His penchant for water-based magic, such as his ability to walk on it, turn it into wine and summon the great water elemental beast to do his biddings.
d) His message of peace.
e) His depiction in beautiful art.
f) His singing voice. Oh wait, I thought you said Ricky Martin.
14. What’s your favorite thing about Santa?
a) His sassy red velvet suit.
b) He makes his own gifts.
c) His team of strapping young reindeer.
d) The way he can be at hundreds of malls at one time.
e) He devotes his life to giving.
f) His magnificent beard.
15. What would you do if Christmas came early this year?
a) That’s impossible, Christmas always falls on the same day: The day before Boxing Day, my favorite day of the year.
b) Christmas did come early this year: Have you seen my Benz?
c) I’d tell it to practice tantric sex. That might help.
d) I’d celebrate the end of the tyranny of Father Time, another white male who runs our lives.
e) It always comes early in dog years.
f) I’d run to the nearest store owned by an Alibi advertiser and snatch up whatever I could.
1. A=6, B=4, C=1, D=2, E=3, F=5
2. A=1, B=3, C=6, D=2, E=5, F=4
3. A=2, B=4, C=5, D=6, E=3, F=1
4. A=6, B=4, C=5, D=1, E=3, F=2
5. A=4, B=3, C=1, D=6, E=2, F=5
6. A=4, B=5, C=3, D=1, E=6, F=2
7. A=5, B=6, C=1, D=4, E=3, F=2
8. A=5, B=6, C=3, D=4, E=1, F=2
9. A=5, B=2, C=6, D=4, E=3, F=1
10. A=1, B=4, C=2, D=5, E=3, F=6
11. A=2, B=6, C=1, D=3, E=4, F=5
12. A=3, B=2, C=1, D=6, E=5, F=4
13. A=3, B=6, C=2, D=1, E=5, F=4
14. A=5, B=2, C=3, D=4, E=1, F=6
15. A=6, B=5, C=2, D=1, E=3, F=4
Now score your quiz using the absurdly convoluted key above, and look below to find out what kind of shopper you are!
Mostly 3’s: The Animal Lover
You think friends are best in the furry, scaly, feathered and generally domesticated variety, and you spare no expense for them and their accessories. Be it a personalized bowl, an extra-tough, brightly colored ball or a high-end hamster wheel, you are obsessed with nonhuman members of the animal kingdom. So forget people, this year it’s all about getting over that stain on your carpet and showing your pets how much they mean to you.
Mostly 1’s: The Humanitarian
You see Christmas as a pagan holiday turned tool to help corporations boost sales in the fourth quarter, disregarding the original “good will toward men” sentiment. So it’s your job to remind people (most likely approached with a hippie brand of self-righteousness) by purchasing presents that are biodegradable, free-range, fair trade, made in America, PC, etc. Buying local and making charitable donations can easily meet this noble goal, because the real question here is: How large is your gift’s ecological footprint?
Mostly 4’s: The White Elephant Shopper
Aside from buying no presents at all, yours is the easiest approach to gift giving: Go to any store, buy a bunch of random stuff (knick-knacks, cheap body wash and lotion kits, puzzles of sea life, trendy items from four years ago, etc.) for nobody in particular. Wrap, label and gloat with the joy of knowing how to befuddle people with presents.
Mostly 6’s: Mr. No-Nonsense
Ugh, the annual chore of gift giving: If it must be done it has to be quick and painless. You want a one-stop shop, but don’t want to make Christmas worse by wasting your money on useless yuletide gestures. Therefore, your hard-earned cheese would be best spent on universal items that everyone can appreciate.
Mostly 2’s: The Creative Giver
What gift is better than that made by the hands of an artist? Your soul is intrinsically connected with Mother Earth and that elusive life spirit. Therefore, Christmas is your time to shine by enabling those you love to be creative.
Mostly 5’s: Monopoly Guy
That monocle (or those Versace frames, as it were) is a mark of distinction letting others know you appreciate the finer things in life. Yes, you can afford everything from Pacific Avenue to fine Stilton, sanctioned cigars, vintage Dom Perignon and a very, very merry Christmas. Impress and appease with your impeccable taste; that’s your approach to the holidays.
Mark Chavez contributed to the writing of this quiz.