Who knows what you should and shouldn't do in college? Not us, really. Plus, you probably won't listen to anyone, you animal. We're tired. We're world-worn. We've got bags under our eyes. Maybe that qualifies us as advice-givers after all. Humor us.
When you really need some nicotine while on a smoke-free campus this semester ... Do: Take advantage of the patches and gum you can get from the Student Health Center. Don't: Try to say anything insightful in class.
When it rains ... Do: Avoid New Mexico drivers who completely freak out when roads get moist. Don't: Act unsurprised or annoyed, because this doesn't happen in Albuquerque, save for two or three times a year.
When your landlord tells you the black mold in your bathroom is your fault ... Do: Find a new place to live. Don't: Try to clean it up yourself.
If you have a cokehead roommate ... Do: Try to keep them from flying into a coke rage. Don't: Ask them if they want to go skiing.
If you’re in public and have to pee ... Do: Keep your junk locked up until you've reached an actual bathroom. Don't: Relieve yourself in front of a child, because you'll be slapped with aggravated indecent exposure and your name and address will go on a pedophile website. Trust us on this.
When you didn't study for your final and also failed to attend most of that bio class this semester ... Do: Cram anyway. These test thingies aren't so hard. You'll lose sleep, but you can manage a B or C, right? Don't: Give up and party yourself into oblivion so you don't have to think about your failure until it painfully shoots into your eyes with the blinding sun at around 2 p.m.
When you order something with chile ... Do: Suck it up and order your entrée smothered. Don't: Ask your server, "Which is milder, red or green?" and then say, "Could you put that on the side, so I may gingerly dip my food into it?"
When you're not into core curriculum and college kind of blows for you ... Do: Just start taking classes that sound interesting. Don't: Drop out. At least not until you try some of those less grinding classes.
When setting an appointment with a New Mexican ... Do: Expect them to be absurdly late. Don't: Be a jerk about their inevitable tardiness. Take a chill pill. Also, some New Mexicans still use the phrase "chill pill."
When you're late for class and decide to save time by just driving to UNM ... Do: Not do this. You will never find parking. You’ll be late anyway. Don't: Try to cheat-park. Those bastards will ticket you for anything, even if you're just running in for one second to turn in a paper.
When you see a cop on a horse Downtown ... Do: Stay away from the horse’s ass because it poops every 12 seconds. Don't: Forget that you just saw a horse cop and there is guaranteed to be poop everywhere you step.
When your girl done left you and you ain't been to class for several weeks and you hate your job and you'll never be a full-time poet and ... Do: Realize your averageness. Everyone's work, lays and poetry suck. Don't: Jump.
When the Balloon Fiesta rolls into town ... Do: Take a moment to notice the lovely balloons in the sky. Don't: Walk around all day with your neck craned up like a doofus.
When you've got the flu ... Do: Go to the Student Health Center. The wait is miniscule for walk-ins, and the rates are cheap, even prescriptions. Don't: Take a homemade NyQuil mix concocted by your roommate who used a variety of over-the-counter medications to brew it up.
When you go to the zoo ... Do: Checkout the koalas, polar bears, lions and orangutans. Don't: Waste your time on those lazy tortoises that are always in hibernation. I swear to God, those things never wake up. Get a job, tortoises!
When watching a movie at the Movies 8 or Movies West "dollar theaters” ... Do: Realize you're lucky to live in a city where you can see He's Just Not That Into You on the cheap. Don't: Be surprised if a fellow patron starts throwing popcorn at you for what seems like no reason at all.
When you become a vegan ... Do: Remember to take your vitamins and actually eat vegetables, especially leafy greens. Don't: Annoy all your friends by scowling at meats and cheeses or talking about your superior diet, lifestyle and personhood.
When someone tells you the Lobo Men's Basketball team is going to be incredible this season ... Do: Take their assertion with a grain of salt. Don't: Devote yourself to a team that will rip your heart out when they underachieve.
When you decide after a couple of years of screwing around in college to get all career-minded and make some real money ... Do: Ask to shadow some people who have careers you might be interested in, just to see if it's for you. Don't: Quit all your bands and drop your party friends. There's not a lot of "real" money to be made in this world.
When a weird old Alibi writer shows up at one of your college parties ... Do: Offer her a cold beer. Don't: Ask about how your band can get into the paper.