Albuquerque Barber College
601 San Pedro NE, #100, 266-4900
Upside: Get a certificate in less than two years. Peruse old men's magazines while you wait.
Downside: Trade not as exciting since the disappearance of Kid 'n Play-style box cuts
Albuquerque Grooming Academy
2115 San Mateo NE, 256-8388
Upside: Albuquerque Grooming Academy is the oldest pet grooming school in New Mexico licensed by the New Mexico Commission on Higher Education. And you get to work with puppies.
Downside: They don't tell you about “expressing the anal gland” on Day 1.
Albuquerque Police Academy
5412 Second Street NW, 343-5000
Upside: Cool uniforms, serving your community, firearms make you feel like a big man
Downside: Getting shot at
Art Center Design College
5000 Marble NE, 254-7575
Upside: High percentage of female students. Doodling on textbooks encouraged.
Downside: Acquiring a bachelor's degree so you can design high school graduation cards for Hallmark for the rest of your life seems somehow ironic.
11311 Menaul NE, Suite A, 291-9698
Upside: Offers weekend and intensive seminars in Ayurveda, Panchakarma, Gurukula and Sanskrit
Downside: Um, what the hell is Ayurveda?
3724 Eubank NE, 292-4180
Upside: Your career at The Library Bar & Grill awaits.
Downside: They use colored water, not actual booze in the classroom. Sorry.
4201 Central NW, Suite J, 880-2877
Upside: Offers many online classes, which saves you from hanging out at the school's “campus” in Atrisco Plaza
Downside: Health care, business and criminal justice are the only degrees to choose from. Just changed name from IIA College. There are no brooks in Albuquerque.
Casino Dealer School
5500 San Mateo NE, #103, 830-2696
Upside: David Rosenlund, Casino Dealer School founder, and his wife, Ok Kyong, personally oversee all the dealer training. You can get a certificate in craps!
Downside: If you don't actually get hired at a casino, your career possibilities are somewhat limited.
Chafer Theological Seminary
3620 Wyoming NE, #226, 515-0221
Upside: Serving the Lord with a degree in Isagogics
Central New Mexico Community College
525 Buena Vista SE, 224-3000
Upside: Night school! An associate's degree requires less commitment (in time and money) than degrees offered at UNM. The world always needs construction workers, pastry chefs, automotive mechanics and other trades.
Downside: A degree in two years? Better off waiting out the rotten job market at a four-year school. The “Suncat” is CNM’s new mascot. What the hell is a suncat, anyway?
DeWolff College of Hair Styling and Cosmetology
1500 Eubank NE, 296-4100
Upside: If you fail to secure your cosmetology degree, you can sing “Beauty School Dropout” from Grease with waaaay more feeling.
Downside: I hear those Vietnamese pedicurists will gut you with an emory board if you intrude on their turf.
ITT Technical Institute
5100 Masthead NE, 828-1114
Upside: Technology is our future.
Downside: It's like Revenge of the Nerds all over again.
National American University
4775 Indian School NE, #200, 348-3700
Upside: Very flexible scheduling. Instructors have theoretically worked in the fields they teach.
Downside: The usual business / health care / criminal justice trifecta. They also make you sing that “One day, one night, Saturday's all right” song all the damn time.
Pima Medical Institute
2201 San Pedro NE, Bldg. 3-100, 881-1234
Upside: Open enrollment and lots of degrees with the word “assistant” in the title. Student body skews mid- to late-20s.
Downside: If health care reform doesn't pass, people will continue to use the emergency room as their primary care provider.
Rocky Mountain Truck Driving School
2705 Princeton NE, 888-5182
Upside: Big trucks mean big bucks (at least that's what the website says). Degrees in four weeks. Trucking industry is less discriminating than the U.S. military.
Downside: Ashton Kutcher ruined trucker hats for all eternity. Peeing in a Big Gulp cup.
SEED Graduate Institute
3900 Juan Tabo NE, #5, 792-2900
Upside: Get your MA in “Original Thought” with concentrations in Indigenous Ways of Knowing, Global Ecology, Science and Cosmology, Integral Healing and Expressive Arts.
Downside: “Why, yes, Mr. Trump, I do have a degree in storytelling and am more than versed in the art of the talking circle. What's my starting salary?”
Southwest Acupuncture College
7801 Academy NE, #1-104, 888-8868
Upside: A degree in Chinese Herbology? Beats assistant phlebotomist any day. Possibility of scoring some primo dried tiger penis.
Downside: Much of student body is over 40. Despite being an alternative, Asian medicine school, 88 percent of students are white.
Southwestern Indian Polytechnic
9169 Coors NW, 346-2347
Upside: Open enrollment, lower tuition, lots of dorm rooms
Downside: If you're not Native American, you're probably not getting in.
University of New Mexico
2211 Lomas NE, 272-3401
Upside: Highly regarded law school and med school. Wide variety of majors. Basketball team is good.
Downside: Campus is technically dry and now smoke-free. Parking sucks. Public art is questionable.