I know you think I'm going to tell you again about how I gave my dad a shingle with a hole drilled in it for Father’s Day, how he scornfully cast it aside and I was ashamed. No, I won't tell you that one.
Instead, let me tell you about a Father’s Day story the Alibi originally had planned for you. They were going to print a two-page spread of the human body with little arrows (or dustpans, or rolling pins) pointing to the various places where fathers should worry about getting cancer, delivered with wry and clinical authority. Had it been a joke and had someone been tickling me, I might have swallowed the mint, but it was honestly and earnestly conceived of that deadly, prodding maternal glee fathers have endured since the smilodon days.
“You're not going to wear that rotten old loincloth to the Smilodon Festival, are you?”
Whatever. It's Father’s Day, and it should feel like a frat party. For those of you who imagine fathers like to think about cancer, let me suggest some other things fathers might like to think about, or receive as gifts.
Switchblades. Fathers like weapons, and switchblades are wicked but also illegal and hard to find. What you need to know is that “spring assisted” knives are legal, easy to find and almost as cool as switchblades. Imagine the powerful snap as your dad pops out his razor-sharp poniard and opens a totally sweet credit card offer, or maybe lops off a chunk of cheddar cheese at supper. Mom will swoon and admire him once again.
Shirts with numbers on them. I don’t know about you, but from age 5 through 8, I refused to wear any shirt that didn’t have a big number on the front, like I was a tiny pro football player. Sometimes I’d even stuff toilet paper in the shoulders so it would look like I was wearing shoulder pads, and get up at five in the morning like Joe Namath. Now, sadly, I have exactly zero shirts with numbers on them and I no longer give one tit about sports, but I think it’s an excellent fashion concept that’s ripe for revisiting in middle age. It’s even better if the shirt doesn’t reference any sports team that actually exists in the world. “Hey ding-dong, what team has brown and green colors?” “Suck it. It’s a new team for cool people.”
Fireworks. Fathers like explosions that are bigger than sparklers. Those big Fourth of July fireworks are actually not too expensive if you can find them, though they’re also illegal within the city limits. Still, fathers like mildly illegal things, and fireworks are a great way to celebrate the first real rainfall in Stucker knows how long. Somebody watch for cops.
Monster movies. I like to watch people die horribly at the hands of otherworldly creatures. Some guys like football movies.
Old coins. I don’t care who you are, father or not: A silver dollar from the 1800s is a baba’s gift, and you can get them for around $20. They’re probably worth about $15, and that’s why people get into the antique coin business. Later on, you can steal back your dad’s coin and buy cigarettes.
Comic books. Comic book stores often sell big bundles of mystery grab bag comics for cheap; most of the comics suck, but at least there are a bunch of them. Give your father the gift of hoping they don’t all suck.
Arrowheads, fossils. Again, if you know a father who doesn’t own a genuine trilobite fossil, he needs one. Arrowheads are cool, too, but don’t bother with the crappy sweatshop knockoffs they sell in a basket at the truck stop. You need the real McCoy. Don’t bother with those little black fossilized shark teeth, either. All dads have seen those, and they lost their allure like 30 years ago.
Taxidermy. Fathers like dead animals adorning their abodes. A nice wall-mounted antelope head can set you back plenty unless you find it at a yard sale. Most moms don’t like dead creatures in the home, but animal skulls are a nice compromise and readily affordable. Let your father celebrate the grotesque beauty of nature with a bleached beaver skull.
CDs, ukuleles, harmonicas and distortion pedals. How about letting your father make a joyous sound unto the Lord with some horrible music nobody else likes? Let him honk honk honk around your hideous house of blues for a day, pretending he’s a ridiculous asshole musician. Or get him a CD of somebody else doing it. Sunglasses not included, Mr. Joel.
Lava lamps. Statistics show that your dad never owned a lava lamp but always thought they were cool. They’re not, really, but that’s his problem. Or could be.
Firearms. Fathers like guns. If your father has actual guns, leave it alone. If he doesn’t, I suggest that a nice BB gun or air soft gun would be fun for him. He can shoot stuff, and it will fall over. He will feel powerful, if only for a fleeting moment.
Survival books. In the bathroom, books are the natural painkillers that help take a father’s mind off the grunting, sweating reality of his own disgusting body. I think survival books are fun. It’s like you’re in a Patrick Swayze movie about survival stuff.
Weird booze. Dad’s going to buy his regular beer and bourbon along with your cornflakes, so gifting his regular brand is about as much fun as a gallon of gas. However, he probably wonders if that grape-flavored bourbon is any good. It’s not, but you could make that his problem and wash your hands of it.
Spy gear. Turn your father into a god by allowing him to see around corners, open locked doors and hear bitchy conversations from a mile away. They make stuff like that. I don’t know if any of it works.
Practical jokes. Fake vomit’s always fun. Well, almost always. Do they make fake tampons? “Dude, get that tampon out of my ... oh, I get it. It’s one of those fake tampons from the magic shop.”
Snack foods. Mom makes dad feel guilty about eating, so he feels awful every time he throws a bag of chips into the shopping cart and lies about how it’s for the kids. Give your dad a day off with a giant container of something that will turn him into the fat piece of shit his doctor told him he would be. Stupid doctor, delicious is for dad. Can’t you just see mom standing in the den, arms crossed, shaking her head?
Funny things. Some fathers have a great sense of humor; others only laugh at sex jokes. There’s nothing funny about a father getting a book that’s supposed to be funny but isn’t. Until he thinks about how the person who gave it to him thought he’d think it was funny. Then it becomes really funny, but in an ancillary sort of way.
Coupons. If you’re on a limited budget, you can always make tickets that promise your services at some point in the future. For example: “This ticket good for one ‘I turn into a bird before your very eyes and fly around the room.’ ” It’s just so sad when you have to tell your father that his coupon has expired.
You may now return to your regular thoughts of cancer.
dare I detect the signature stench of sexism? Nagging Moms? Dads as "fat pieces of sh*t?" Fake tampons?? How mundane. .......I hold men, fathers, the gifts I give, and my reading materials to a much higher standard and suggest the Alibi do the same.
Who wrote this? Beavis? Some frat-tard who just got finished playing Bros Icing Bros? While the concept of fatherhood and gift-giving may be hilarious to those reeking of Smirnoff Ice, how about some content for those of us who have evolved beyond the fart joke and roofie-laced high five?
...humorless, quick-to-call-sexism, fatherless women posting above. That or just plain clueless haters. Or both. Good article and actually quite funny. Seems like it was written by a Dad who's had enough of the cliche gifts. You don't have to be a frat-tard (or a Dad) to love switchblades and explosions, weapons and snacks. Men share a universal love for these type of things and it seems men who have been hobbled by relationships and/or children don't usually have the chance to enjoy such pleasures. Or at least enjoy then without the guilting and editorialization that so many have to endure from their "loved" ones.
While it's true that I cut my dad's throat out with a phallic shard of glass, that doesn't mean that I'm fatherless. I did have one. And the universal love for knives that was generated from his chromosomes sure didn't come in handy when he wasn't able to reach for his (knife, that is). Which is to say, dear afro-sporting avatar, not that there isn't humor in the world. Merely that said humor ought to rise above "huh, huh, pretzels and nacho cheese are awesome when the kung fu movies are on." At least, you and your mouth-breathing, circle jerk homies might consider that humor. Others don't. And it's the Internet, so groove on those dope vibes during your next monster truck rally, cause we'll still be here trying to get the Alibi to publish something that doesn't suck. And when you get done laughing at child abuse, maybe you'll join us.
I mean, everyone's a victim (in their mind). Everyone seems to have "issues" with their parents and their upbringing (the luxury of of spoiled, self-entitled middle class children like yourself) and in case you have been too busy stereotyping people you don't know with tired, late 20th century cliches, you might notice that the Alibi is a free publication. Why waste your time waiting/trying to get the "Alibi to publish something that doesn't suck. "? Put your money where your mouth is and start your own publication that doesn't suck.
And what's your beef with pretzels and nacho cheese?
especially all these poor Dads, hobbled by gifts of neck ties, old spice cologne, and #1 Dad coffee mugs. Our men deserve better, dammit! They deserve fake tampons from the magic store.
Black, it's disheartening that you view Father's Day as a break from the "guilting and editorialisation" endured by Fathers, rather than a celebration of Fatherhood.
Nick, I think your otherwise innocuous feature could have survived without the jabs at "Mom." Women aren't the enemy, so references to "deadly, prodding maternal glee" cheapen this gift guide for me.
Black, since you already know I'm a humourless, fatherless woman (which is a miracle, really) you probably know I hafta go now and catch up with my latest Danielle Steel novel, 17 feline friends, and tub of Chunky Monkey. ........Wish u were here!
"Black has been quite the busy bee "stereotyping people you don't know with tired, late 20th century cliches" 1. "humorless, quick-to-call-sexism, fatherless women" 2. "spoiled, self-entitled middle class children like yourself" 3. "men who have been hobbled by relationships and/or children" This article makes me feel like the best thing I can give my father on his special day is a retroactive abortion. "
"Black, it's disheartening that you view Father's Day as a break from the "guilting and editorialisation" endured by Fathers, rather than a celebration of Fatherhood."
I view it nothing like that. I see at as a combination of celebrating my Dad, and getting him away from the controling shrew-ih woman in his life for one day and get him FUCKED UP!
