Alibi Sex Survey
Hot on the Heels of Lust
Sexiest experiences, the ex factor, masturbation and talking dirty
Unsurprisingly, 24 percent of respondents filled in the “My sexiest experience ever was ...”-blank with “sex.” A ton of diverse—alternately and simultaneously quirky, prurient, hilarious and, yup, enchanting—responses followed hot on the heels of the literalists. The ecstatic runners-up sighed out answers like: threesome (6 percent); girlfriend/boyfriend/love (4 percent each); and the ironic “getting” (3 percent). And—eeeeeee!—that's where the responses get all spectral. After the following 2 percent-and-below semantic parade, read on for hardly categorizable highlights from the survey: girl, sexy, friend, party, wife, orgy, couple, playing, 69ing, college, club, Puerto Rico, wedding night and boss. There's no one-size-fits-all rapture, but overarching themes emerged from the hot mess of fill-in-the-blank testimony: Getting it on in the great outdoors, in public, in vehicles and with swingers is how we do.
Respondent #5: Every time my partner and I have made love ...
Respondent #33: Successfully tying myself up for my boyfriend ...
Respondent #65: Giving my honey amazing oral while he played a baby grand piano ... on his birthday
Respondent #66: That which I should not have
Respondent #83: Being 17 years old
Respondent #99: Sexting the whole day while he’s at work, setting up all the rooms in the house for a different sex act, each building in intensity. Afterwards the pizza I ordered arrives on time, and we watched The Expendables ...
Respondent #110: Cattle prod
Respondent #145: My boyfriend at the time wanted me to become more interested in video games ... He wanted me to play Dead Island while he performed oral sex on me ... I was specifically instructed not to stop playing the game ...
Respondent #7: Sex in the sand dunes
Respondent #11: On the lawn of a church in Old Town, Santa Fe
Respondent #23: While leaning over a rock in the Mesa, with houses and people nearby
Respondent #19: Behind the giant foam pumpkin at the Albuquerque Botanical Garden
Respondent #102: 69ing in the Bosque
Respondent #115: In the Tram gondola
Respondent #147: Excellent head on the back patio of a Texas goth club
Respondent #153: In the Royal Ontario Museum
Respondent #14: Pot-fueled multiple orgasms
Respondent # 22: Under the influence of mind-altering substances
Respondent #26: Playing with Molly [aka ecstasy]
Respondent #94: Smoking cannabis and making love
Respondent #164: Having sex on a picnic table in Zion National Park [in Utah] while stoned
Exes as friends?
Sometimes even volatile romantic relationships can ultimately transmute into profound platonic friendships. In terms of long-term exes, I’m friends with all but one. But sometimes the cooling-off period stagnates in a standoff reminiscent of the Cold War. According to our survey, 59.1 percent of us are on friendly terms with our exes, and 34.4 percent of us tend to walk the other way when we cross paths with former partners. And 6.5 percent of the sample group didn’t have any exes.
Being selfless and hungry for pleasure don’t have to be mutually exclusive. And let’s clear the air on one thing: Masturbation is not something you necessarily do because you can’t find someone with whom to have sex. However self-love is tailor-made for release without romantic entanglement, and reality isn’t always competition for the hyperreality of the deepest, darkest and most intense regions of the human brain. For many of our readers, masturbation happens more than once daily (5.2 percent), daily (14 percent), several times a week (29.9 percent), weekly (24.5 percent), once or twice a month (12.1 percent), less than once a month (4.7 percent), not in the past six months (4.7 percent) and never-ever (4.9 percent). So go on, love yourself.
A blue streak
Do you prefer the truer-to-life love scenes and accompanying dialogue in HBO series “Girls” over typical rom-coms filled with impossibly romantic and rarely dirty, soft-focus pillow talk? If you’re one of the readers who took our survey, you probably like a little aural raunch in your coitus. As 75.4 percent of respondents selected the “Fuck yeah, you little slut” box, chances are filthier phrases than “I love you” are being whispered into local lovers’ ears. But 24.6 percent of those surveyed checked “Yuck,” so as with all scorching sex, get consent before you launch into expletives and colorful role playing.