Alibi Sex Survey
Stars In Our Eyes
An end-of-the-world celebrity hall pass scenario vs. true love
By August March
In America, sex and celebrity go together just like summertime and baseball. Although both the fame game and the ball game have European roots, we’ve done our darnedest to make both into national spectacles, though I must admit beisbol seems to be fading.
The business of celebrity meanwhile continues to rage. Of course, you wanna sleep with celebrities. You and 5 million other red-blooded Americans are the reason folks like Miley Cyrus get to take naked rides on swinging construction equipment while millions watch in various stages of outrage or arousal. Cyrus is a far cry from earlier versions of celebrity; she doesn’t really compare to Lord Byron, Liszt, Mata Hari or Marilyn Monroe. Celebrities give us the opportunity to fixate, fantasize and consume the ideal partner. Repeatedly. The fact that there are practically an infinite number of variations makes it near-certain there is a big someone for every little everyone across the continent. So whether your thing is the “Speedo Posts” at Hunk du Jour or the unsettling, seething allure of Natalie Portman and Joseph Gordon-Levitt in Hesher, we’ve got you covered, readers. Or uncovered, as the case may be.
The case of celebrity on this year’s notorious Alibi Sex Survey pretty much confirms all the stuff we just went over. These hyperreal folks tend to be good-looking and youthful, and they come in all shapes, sizes and genders. The thing they all have in common? They’re famous, and you wanna sleep with them on account of that. Or maybe they’re famous because you wanna sleep with them. Either way it makes for damn good times.
Channing Tatum and Johnny Depp are at the top of the list for a second year, a biblical apocalypse and an odd bird hat apparently being an equal measure of sexiness. In a clear shift toward more cosmopolitan and classy circumstances, Alibi readers gave the aforementioned Ms. Portman and, are you ready for this, Angelina Jolie the most votes directed toward female celebs. George Clooney continued to make waves, 20 years on from “ER.” The Rock got tossed around in bed by a select number of dreamers, as did Leonardo DiCaprio, Jennifer Lawrence, Justin Timberlake and Olivia Wilde. A relatively small number of respondents mentioned Gordon-Levitt, and Tina Fey is in there, too. The remaining responses were a veritable cross-section of taste in America that goes something like this: On one side you got Peter O’Toole, Annie Sprinkle and Samuel Beckett. Across the way, warming up in the bullpen, you got Scarlett Johansson, Beyoncé and Brad Pitt. If you don’t dig any of those choices, you can change the channel and get the team with Mary-Louise Parker, Zooey Deschanel, Steve Buscemi and Rob Lowe on it. The only question is: Who are you going home with when the stadium lights flicker at the end of the game?
To drive the point home, we here at Sex Survey Central refer you to question number 23, “If the world were ending, would you have sex with your partner or someone else?” Seventy-five percent of you said your partner; the rest of you probably spend a lot of time perusing tabloids. But if some of you in the first group are planning on closing your eyes whilst imagining some famous face or another floating and bobbing in the abyss, that’s perfectly fine; after all, that’s what fantasies are for. Scope the complete, unedited results of your star-studded cast online.
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