Only The Lonely
Pro-tips for thriving in solitude
One is the loneliest number, or at least the loneliest rational number. You're not a number though; you're a human being with real feelings. Nobody said you were irrational either, but when you blow your stack like this, it's not surprising you're lonely. That, and also it's Valentine's Day, when the heart is a lonely hunter armed only with a spoon and a thing of ice cream. We get it, you're lonely. You're invisible to the world—especially in traffic. Well, if television can't scrub the stink of loneliness off you, here are a few tried-and-true tricks for masking it with a lemony scent.
• Put a 2-liter soda bottle in a plastic bag on the floor of your car. When it rolls around, you'll think somebody's in the car with you.
• Make some toast. In a couple minutes you'll be greeted with a cheerful ding. Is somebody making toast?
• Put a hat on top of the coat rack in the corner. It almost looks like a person standing there, doesn't it?
• Your neighbor has a cat. Have you tried calling to it?
• Wind chimes and bird feeders can help you make friends with nature. I think that's the same bird that came by yesterday.
• Believe in ghosts. More specifically, believe ghosts are trying to contact you.
• “Yes, hello. Have you already sold the mattress and box spring?”
• In France, everyone drinks a whole bottle of wine every night.
• Pretend you're going to buy something; then say you forgot your wallet.
• Smile at yourself in the bathroom mirror. Try it from different angles for best results.
• Many websites will allow you to post comments to their articles. It's a great opportunity to tell people about your childhood.
• At the park, ask people if they've seen a little black dog. It's not like you're lying—it's a legitimate question.
• Remember, your soulmate is probably somebody you see at work every day, trying to communicate with you in secret code. The clues are obvious if you'll just open your eyes and give love a chance.