Alibi V.24 No.6 • Feb 5-11, 2015 

Feature

Opening the Toy Box

Introducing accessories in a caring and consensual way

We all grew up playing with toys, so why is it difficult for some of us to use sex toys with a partner? Why the stigma? Why the awkwardness? For men who have sex with women, there may be several reasons why it’s intimidating to have a partner suggest incorporating a sexual accessory, but it doesn’t have to be. For one thing, putting the word “sex” in front of just about anything can make it anxiety inducing (sex toupée, sex hammer and sex mug, for example). All of a sudden, something meant to be fun and playful gets wrapped up in pressure, insecurity and other uncomfortable feelings that some of us have about sex.

But take a deep breath; it’s going to be okay.

First off, let’s start with what it says, or doesn’t say, about you that your partner wants to bring toys into your repertoire. Some men might fear that she’s trying to replace you. She’s not. She is inviting you to take part in something she finds pleasurable. It is also not about you being inadequate in any way. What she’s actually saying is that she wants to use toys to enhance the sex you’re already having. If you don’t believe me, just ask her.

Some men might fear that she’s trying to replace you. She’s not. She is inviting you to take part in something she finds pleasurable.

Her request to introduce toys means that she has ownership and knowledge of her own pleasure. This is a good thing, and again she’s saying she wants to share that knowledge with you. If you’re not exactly sure how she wants you to use a toy, you should ask. She knows her body and what feels good, and she will feel a lot better showing you how to use the toy than if you just start running it like a kitchen appliance. Plus, watching her use it can be incredibly hot. And don’t overlook the fact that those vibrations can feel pretty great on your man bits too. There’s room for sexiness and pleasure all around; once you’re in the moment and both having fun, you’ll completely forget those old anxieties.

Having a discussion about toys can be awkward, but there’s a little saying I try to live by in these situations: “It’s only weird if you make it weird, so don’t make it weird.” Being patient, kind and understanding will pay many dividends. Also, be on the lookout for my new band Sex Toupée.