Alibi V.25 No.14 • April 7-13, 2016 ››
Illo by Brie MacQuarrie
Ace Barber Shop
Nestled in the heart of Downtown, Ace Barber Shop always has a full house of talented kings to give you that sweet, sweet style. Customers can show up for a reasonably priced cut, buzz, shave or beard trim, and Ace will ante up some killer local art and a can-do attitude with their motto of “All styles welcome.” If you’re tired of playing Go Fish with your hair, be assured that at Ace, it’s no game of chance whether or not you’ll get the best do in town.
2) Barber's Knock
3) Fade Station/Justin Tyme Barber Shop
Best Hair Salon
CNM Cosmetology School
"A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life," said Coco Chanel. Looking to spice things up? Craft Hair Studio is the best first step, so sayeth Alibi voters.
2) Mark Pardo
Best Cheap Haircut
Remember when you were in first grade and picture day was coming up so your mom would drag you to Great Clips so you could show up all those other loser kids with your model-esque hair? Well, all those hipsters running around today with effortlessly perfect coiffures and delicately curled moustaches had the same experience. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for getting a cheap trim. Everyone’s done it.
3) Style America
Staycations are a thing now right? So if you’re going to do it, you’d better do it right and stay at the best damn hotel in Burque: Hotel Andaluz. Whether it’s the impeccable service, the divine tapas at Más, the unique cocktails featured at Ibiza, or the sleek atmosphere, our voters agree that this is the place to be. Pro tip: Everyone always forgets about their library. We recommend lounging next to the fire with a good book and a glass of amontillado sherry.
2) Hotel Parq Central
3) Hotel Albuquerque
Best Funeral Home
French Funerals & Cremations
No doubt about it: Contemplating one’s own end or the death of a loved one is no fun. But French takes a special view on the matter, shining a warm light on that cold specter and inviting people to face their mortality with bravery and even a sense of humor by “inspir[ing] them to write a final chapter that is as beautiful as the ones that came before it.” With tact, honesty and empathy, French can guide bereaved family members and forward-thinking mortals alike in how to do a proper send off.
2) Riverside Funeral Home/Daniels Family Funeral Services
Best Grocery Store
Cheese curds for some homemade poutine, a bottle of Ghost Pines, salty seaweed snacks, natural cold remedies, salt water taffy, vividly verdant house plants: all can be found at Sprouts, and you don’t have to deal with the aggressive health snobs at Whole Foods. Plus we’ve heard the guys in the deli are pretty delicious themselves.
2) La Montañita Co-Op
Best Solar Energy Company
Wake up people! There’s plastic strangling baby turtles in the ocean, a hole in the ozone layer, and pollution so thick in certain cities that you can stare directly at the sun and just see a slight glow behind the sooty, emphysema-inducing haze. Not only will solar panels get rid of your gas and electric bills, but you’ll also be doing your part to reduce emissions and create a better world. This is one bandwagon you should definitely get on.
Best Real Estate Company
Keller Williams Realty
If you’re adulting hard enough that you have the means and desire to buy a home, Keller Williams is the company that can help you fulfill that white picket fence dream. Sure, they’re a big company, but they must be doing something right to be that successful. Let your agent do the hard work so you can do the fun stuff like snooping through another person’s home and eating all the cookies at the open houses.
2) Maddox & Co/Rick Walsh Realty
Best Cosmetic Surgeon
Hunter S. Thompson believed that “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out.” But if you’d prefer the Kim Kardashian route, Mayberry Cosmetic Surgery will be more than happy to help you “recapture your natural beauty.” Think it’s just breast implants and facelifts? Think again—you could be the proud recipient of a labiaplasty, a tummy tuck or some nice laser hair removal.
Best Ethnic/Specialty Store
Ta-Lin, Talinn, Talyn, Ta… that place with everything. Even though only half of our readers were able to correctly spell the name right, we knew what they meant. You may not remember the spelling, but you will remember the experience. Talin is a magical place where every aisle holds new and exciting treasures. You can spend all day there staring at freaky sea creatures, trying to guess what’s in the bizarre Japanese candies, and selecting strange fruit to try at home. Ever tasted an African horned melon?
2) Cafe Istanbul
3) Bombay Spice
Best Liquor Store
Jubilation Wine & Spirits
This place is hands-down the best, and our readers know it. The staff is so friendly and knowledgeable, you could even say the Jubilation staff have acted as our spirit guides in our varied quests for everything from anisette to the perfect bottle of ambrosia … er, we mean sherry to which bottles of wine will bring out the oak and cherry flavors of a lonely Tuesday night or a well-seasoned leg of lamb.
2) Total Wine & Spirits
3) Kelly Liquors
Best Medical Cannabis Dispensary
The Verdes Foundation
In the immortal words of Ludacris, “Tell me who’s your weed man, how do you smoke so good?” Well, according to our readers with a medical marijuana card, your weed man should be The Verdes Foundation. With strains running the gamut from Peaches and Cream (17.5% THC) to G13 Haze (24% THC) to Pineapple Express (19.3% THC), customers can get their medicine just about any way they like it. Plus they have a full array of edibles, CBD tictures, e-cig juice, salves and gum.
2) Medzen Services
3) Minerva Canna Group
Best Plumbing Company
TLC Plumbing & Utility
Did you know that TLC doesn’t actually stand for “Tender Loving Care?” In the case of this local plumbing company, it was actually the initials of the founders: the Turbov Lowrey Company. But we digress. When it comes to getting that cold air on before the sweltering flames of summer descend or getting that porcelain throne unclogged after Thanksgiving, these plumbers can certainly give your pipes a little TLC.
2) Albuquerque Plumbing, Heating & Cooling
Dr. Douglas Gibbons, D.D.S., P.C.
Starlet Margot Robbie (Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, Suicide Squad) recently made an ignorant ass of herself on “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” by laughing that the only thing she noticed while filming in New Mexico was “lots of missing teeth.” Missing teeth can be caused by an array of issues from poverty and malnutrition to insufficient health care and incompetent dentists. Thankfully, the Duke City has Dr. Doug to thank for saving our pearly whites from gingivitis, tartar build up and the insults of rude actresses.
2) John Salazar/Byron Wall/Daniel Martinez
Nick Speegle (Speegle Sport & Spine)
Dr. Speegle played two seasons for the Cleveland Browns before being on the receiving end of a career-ending back injury; so the man knows a thing or two about an achy back. But he’s no dumb jock. The good doctor has a “true passion for helping others recover” and is certified in Active Release Technique, Integrative Dry Needling, acupuncture and more. If you’re hunched over right now as you read this, well, now you know where to go.
2) The Joint
Best Doctor of Oriental Medicine
Lisabeth Detwiler, D.O.M.
Operating out of Zentral Wellness, Dr. Detwiler knows her craft. She studied at Heilongjiang University of Chinese Medicine in Harbin, China. She specializes in facial rejuvenation acupuncture and traditional Chinese medicine. So if your mug is looking like laundry left in the dryer for six days or you have under-eye bags that you could carry groceries in, now might be a good time to call this rad acupuncturist and herbalist.
Best Bowling Alley
Silva Lanes is playing the perfect game, according to local bowling aficionados. With perfectly waxed lanes, balanced balls, delicious grub and nightly karaoke at the bar, Silva’s got a four-bagger and then some. Whether you’re a master of the granny toss or have that perfect form, this Northeast Heights hotspot is the place to be.
2) Skidmore’s Holiday Bowl
3) Lucky 66 Bowl
Calvary Albuquerque/Sagebrush Community Church
Pastor Skip at Calvary was once a wild youth, into drugs and the occult until one hazy afternoon when a gospel message by Billy Graham “penetrated his soul.” Yep, you read that right: It penetrated his freaking soul. So if you’re looking for real talk, this is the dude who’s been through the wringer. Sagebrush, on the other hand, offers up “biblically sound messages delivered with a healthy dose of humor and creativity.”
Best Bed & Breakfast
Red Horse Vineyard, B&B and Winery
Anyone who tells you the South Valley is just farmers and cholos doesn’t know crap. It’s a beautiful area—just try walking along one of the ditches. You’ll hear the gentle tinkling of water flowing out to the verdant fields dotted with cranes or horses; you’ll strike up a conversation with a friendly viejita out for a walk. Red Horse understands this welcoming feeling and is noted as being a relaxing “oasis in the desert.” Show up for the wedding or business retreat but stay for the homey rooms and the horseback riding along the Rio Grande.
2) Los Poblanos Historic Inn and Organic Farm
3) Casa de Suenos Old Town Historic Inn
Best Yoga Center
Bhava Yoga Studio
Here at the Alibi, we like to enjoy a nice 20-minute session of supine yoga after lunch at the office. Oh, fine—we’re just napping but if you’re up for something a tad more technical than snoring on the floor, Bhava Yoga offers all levels of yoga instruction. They have highly skilled teachers so rest assured that you won’t get yourself twisted into a pretzel with no way out. Maybe if we skipped the burrito and went for the noon yoga hour we wouldn’t need the nap in the first place.
2) Blissful Spirits Hot Yoga
3) High Desert Yoga
What do you call a booger on the wall? Wallgreens! Just kidding—we love Walgreens. Where else can you pick up mascara, chips, coconut water, a romance novel and a bottle of Jack at 11:45 at night? They seriously have all the things. Plus their pharmacy techs are super nice and helpful. Lazy person tip: Get your meds via the drive-thru. If you’re gonna wait, you might as well do it in the comfort of your own car where no one can witness you Facebook stalking your ex.
2) Duran Central Pharmacy
3) Highland Pharmacy
Best Movie Theater
Some sassafras wrote on their Best of Burque ballot, “Guild. Please let them win even though you probably fix the results no matter what people vote.” First of all, we are very hurt that someone would dare impugn our honor. Second, Guild won fair and square. How can you be sure? It’s quite obvious really: People are tired of beefy dudes in tights and the unending stream of Nicholas Sparks romances. Try something that engages your brain, like Cents. Or how about a piece of cinematic art, like Of Mind and Music?
2) Icon Cinemas
3) Regal Winrock Stadium 16
Best Martial Arts Studio
Jackson’s Martial Arts and Fitness Academy
Bro, do you even lift? Because if you do, here’s a newsflash: That’s so 1980s. Aim more for Holly Holm badass and less Schwarzenegger ‘roid droid. Before you go talking smack about Rousey, you’d better get a solid foundation in mixed martial arts, and our readers say this is the place to do it. Just make sure you always touch gloves. Or if you’re just hoping to open the can of whoop ass on anyone who tries to assault you in a dark alley, they also have self defense classes.
If the above description’s use of the words “can of whoop ass” and “assault” are a tad too intense, we totally understand. No need for aggression, you just want to work off that Christmas gut that’s still hanging around. Damn biscochitos. No worries, amigos. Our readers know that Defined Fitness can get you, well, defined … and fit. Try out their personal trainers or group classes to get that summer bod, or go solo in the pool or on the trusty ol’ Stairmaster. We can feel the burn already.
2) New Mexico Sports and Wellness
3) Planet Fitness
Best Personal Trainer
Caleb Kinney (Defined Fitness)
It’s a few months into 2016 and you’ve been avoiding your New Year’s resolution of going to the gym. You’ve been siting around with daydreams about the day you get ripped. But getting ripped doesn’t happen with daydreams. You just need a little motivation from Albuquerque’s best personal fitness trainer. Get active and make your dreams a sweaty reality. (Desiree Garcia)
2) Ben Marshall
Best Dance Studio
Keshet Dance Company
A non-profit from the get-go, Keshet Dance Company continues to serve the underserved as well as those simply passionate about dance. With an award-winning repertory company, classes from ballet to hip-hop for all ages with scholarships available to accommodate all income levels, Keshet has no peer in the Albuquerque area. Founded and managed by women, Keshet couldn't provide a more inspiring example to young women, and through their work with those with special needs and at-risk youth, Keshet leads by example. (Geoffrey Plant)
2) Maple Street
3) Form Studio
Best Bank That Doesn’t Feel Like You’re Dealing with Bankers
Bank of Albuquerque
Bank of Albuquerque wins readers' hearts in this difficult to achieve aspect of banking. There's something to be said for just the right amount of customer service. (Geoffrey Plant)
3) New Mexico Bank and Trust
Best Credit Union
Members can't help call NUSENDA by its former name, New Mexico Educator's Federal Credit Union, all the while scratching their heads as to the esoteric meaning of their credit union's mysterious new moniker. Nonetheless, fast, friendly service and low fees make NUSENDA a clear standout among the credit unions in Albuquerque. Want to set up a new bank account? Odds are you'll be in and out—check card and all—within 15 minutes. Hot damn. (Geoffrey Plant)
2) Sandia Laboratories Federal Credit Union
3) US Eagle Federal Credit Union
Best Bank to Steal a Pen From
Why NUSENDA? Because they don't chain their pens to the desk. Obviously. Also, the new face of the old New Mexico Educator’s Federal Credit Union means there's a hole in everyone's stolen pen collection that needs to be filled.
2) Wells Fargo
3) Bank of Albuquerque
Off Broadway was the overwhelming winner of Best Costumes, with more votes than almost all the other contenders in the category combined. Whether you need to look like Louis XIV or a terrifying, giant rabbit-man that hands out eggs, Off Broadway should be your first stop.
2) Albuquerque Assistance League Thrift Store
3) Disco Display House
Best Dry Cleaner
With more than twice as many votes as anyone else in the category, The Cleanery is the clear winner. And they're not only the best dry cleaner in town: As the only Green Business Bureau certified dry cleaner in the state, they are also the greenest.
2) Master Cleaners
Izzy’s Tailor Shop/Final Stitch Alterations and Clothing
We can personally vouch for Izzy's. They did such a great job tailoring a suit our editor picked up second hand, he got married in it. Which is especially good because he bought that suit to get married in. Tied for first place, Final Stitch is just as rad with the bonus that they have a machine that can sew through leather. So get ready to add a new patch to your badass biker jacket.
2) Kim’s Alterations
Best Moving Company
Two Men and a Truck
Everyone knows that moving is less fun than your mom on a Tuesday night in her Snuggie. Why not let Two Men and a Truck do it for you? Word is they're the best in town. Or you could just throw all your stuff right in the trash.
2) Joe’s Moving/Delancy Street Moving
Best Motorcyle Repair
Bobby J’s Yamaha
Our readers have spoken, Bobby J's Yamaha is the place to get your bike serviced. Tons of in and out of state testimonials on their website and Facebook page laud them for their knowledge, reliable service and family-like atmosphere.
2) Moto Authority/PJ’s Triumph/R&S Honda
New York Nails and Hair/Style Me Sweet Beauty Lounge
In a highly contested category, New York Nails and Hair and Style Me Sweet tied for the win. Whether you’re going on a date and need to getcha hair did or are dragging in your husband so they can take a Dewalt orbital sander to the calluses on his feet, now you know where to go. Ties for second and third are far too numerous to … well, enumerate.
Best Law Firm
Kennedy, Kennedy & Ives
If your rights have been trampled and you're in need of some big, fancy litigators to hit the offenders where it counts—the pocket book—Kennedy, Kennedy & Ives were voted the best to have in your corner. Or maybe they were voted the best for their good looks. Seriously. Even if they can't win the case, they'll at least look good not doin' it.
2) Parnall Law Firm/Wolf and Fox, P.C.
Betty’s Bath & Day Spa
Feeling 'bout half past dead? Take a load off, Annie, and soak your cares away at Betty's Bath and Day Spa. It won't be free, but it will be worth it.
2) Albuquerque Baths
3) Pure Radiance Advanced Skin Care
Best Computer/Electronics Repair and Tech Help
If you're ever feeling too smart or tech savvy, reach out to the brilliant minds of Sandia Computers to bring you down a peg! They'll assume you've already tried turning it on and off again.
2) Computer Corner
3) Dr. Dan's Computers/PC Place
Well, if DRB Electric is good enough for the archdiocese of Santa Fe, they're good enough for you, too. But in case you're agnostic or, *gasp,* atheist, they were voted the best.
2) Eisenberg Electric
Few things in life are more satisfying than standing in the sun, drinking a beer, and watching someone else do the hard labor. Apparently BAC roofers are the best guys and gals for the job, with AAA Roofing coming in for a close second.
2) AAA Roofing
3) Alvarado/Goodrich/Lone Mountain
Best Auto Repair Shop
Independent Vehicle Service Incorporated
Often the best and always a contender, Independent Vehicle Service, the only clear winner in another highly contested category, once again took the title of "Best Auto Repair Shop." The next time something on your car breaks, put away the duct tape and take it to someone who knows what they're doing, like the guys at IVS.
Mendy Lou is Burque's Best Psychic this year, but she probably knew that before the votes were even in.
Febreze just not taking those smells out of your threads anymore? Mosey on down to Harold's to freshen up your clothing and your mysteriously waning social life.
2) Rainbow Laundry
3) Washington Speedwash
Best Tattoo Shop
One of our staff went in asking for a Tweety Bird on her shoulder. Bless them, they told her to sober up and come back later. No wonder Burqueños voted Tinta Cantina the best tattoo shop in town. They won't stick it to you, except to stick something way cooler than a Tweety Bird in your dermis.
2) All is One Tattoo + Design
3) Archetype Dermigraphic Studio/Star Tattoo
Best Tattoo Artist
Johnny Mac Howell (Tinta Cantina)
Want a little more color in your life? Go see Johnny Mac Howell, Albuquerque's resident watercolor tattoo expert. And this ain't his first rodeo—he also won Best of Burque 2013.
2) John Henderson
3) Chris Partain
Best Piercing Parlor
Evolution Body Piercing
When there's nothing you need more than another hole in the head, ears, crotch region, or anywhere, really, Alibi readers know the people at Evolution Body Piercing are the emperors of impalement. Ascension Body Modification came in at a sloppy second.
2) Ascension Body Modification
Best Burque-Centric Tattoo
You could get this stunning piece of art that was voted best Burque-Centric Tattoo, or you could be really original and get a plain ol’ Zia sign on your foot. We say go for the Zia-chile-roadrunner combo!