“Ultimate Super Heroes, Ultimate Super Vixens, Ultimate Super Villains” (Bravo 7 p.m.) Aside from the lame “I Love the '80s”-esque commentary, this three-part mini-series is an agreeable nostalgia trip through the greatest heroes, vixens and villains in pop culture history.
Mucha Lucha: The Return of El Malefico (Cartoon Network 6 p.m.) The Mexican wrestling-themed toon series throws a hammerlock around Cartoon Network's Friday night lineup with a feature-length film in which our young heroes battle an evil grappler. Mexican wrestling and cartoons? What more could a man ask for?
Empire Falls (HBO 10 p.m.) HBO invests another small fortune in one of their mini-series. Here, the network is adapting Richard Russo's acclaimed novel about life in small-town America. The impressive cast includes Ed Harris, Paul Newman, Helen Hunt, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Robin Wright Penn and Aidan Quinn.
“Kept” (VH1 7 p.m.) This new reality series finds former Mick Jagger arm-candy Jerry Hall “auditioning” for a new boy toy.
“Strip Search” (VH1 8 p.m.) And, just to further cement mankind's total, voluntary loss of dignity, here's a show in which “ordinary” guys audition for a spot on a traveling male strip revue. ... Yeah, that Rapture's looking better and better each day.
Romy & Michele: In the Beginning (ABC Family 6 p.m.) Here's the perfect TV movie for all those eager fans out there who have been anxiously wondering what Romy and Michele were like before their big high school reunion ... Is that the sound of crickets I hear? ... Oh, well. Katherine Heigl and Alex Breckenridge star. Plus, there's a big cameo by Paula Abdul. I bet you're sold now, huh?
“Hell's Kitchen” (KASA-2 8 p.m.) Twelve chefs audition to work for celebrity frycook Gordon Ramsay in his new L.A. eatery. Think “The Restaurant” but louder.
“Britney and Kevin: Chaotic” (KASY-50 8 p.m.) I've thought it over, Brit, and the answer is no. No, I can't handle your truth.
“Steve McQueen: The Essence of Cool” (TCM 6 p.m.) TCM kicks off its month-long tribute to all things McQueen with this gritty documentary.
“The Eagles Farewell I Tour” (KOB-4 7 p.m.) Why do I not trust a “farewell” tour with a Roman numeral I attached to it?
“Beauty and the Geek” (KWBQ-19 7 p.m.) Ashton Kutcher produced this new reality series in which smart guys and pretty girls team up in a series of challenges like spelling bees or strip contests. For this the guy gave up “That '70s Show”?
“Dancing With the Stars” (KOAT-7 8 p.m.) In case you hadn't noticed, it's summertime. And that means nothing but cheap reality shows on TV. Here's a prime example in which assorted “celebrities” like Evander Holyfield, Rachel Hunter and the guy who played J. Peterman on “Seinfeld” are teamed up with professional hoofers and pitted against one another in a ballroom dance competition.