“Survivor: Guatemala” (KRQE-13 7 p.m.) I haven't seen this season's cast list yet, but I bet we've got the grumpy old guy, the weird middle-aged lady, the gay dude and a whole bunch of Abercrombie & Fitch rejects showing off their abs. ... Ah, TV.
“The Showbiz Show with David Spade” (Comedy Central 8 p.m.) This promises to be the satirical “Entertainment Tonight” to “The Daily Show”'s satirical “NBC Nightly News.”
“Twins” (KWBQ-19 7:30 p.m.) Wacky opposite twin sisters (one brainy, one hot) are nothing new. “The Patty Duke Show” had largely the same shtick. ... Although, of course, Patty and Cathy were supposed to be cousins. What was that deal about “identical cousins,” anyway? That's not biologically possible. Unless, of course, Uncle Martin was fooling around on the side. ... But I digress. In “Twins,” our mismatched sisters (Sara Gilbert, Molly Stanton) are called upon to operate their parent's lingerie business. ... Ah, TV.
“Threshold” (KRQE-13 8 p.m.) A team of scientists investigate a mysterious alien life-form at the bottom of the ocean. Like The Abyss, only weekly.
Jules Verne's The Mysterious Island (Hallmark 6 p.m.) Pity poor Jules Verne, his once visionary, now outdated sci-fi novels relegated to the occasional hokey TV mini-series. That isn't to say that this three-hour adaptation starring Kyle MacLachlan, Patrick Stewart and Vinnie Jones will be bad. ... But it probably will be.
“King of the Hill” (KASA-2 6:30 p.m.) Although this animated sitcom has quietly maintained a consistently good show, FOX is cutting it loose at the end of this season. “American Dad” remains, however.
“57th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards” (KRQE-13 7 p.m.) Ellen Degenres hosts. Donald Trump sings. Brace yourself.
“Arrested Development” (KASA-2 7 p.m.) If viewers are distracted by the new Monday night time slot competition (“King of Queens,” “Wife Swap”), they are undeserving.
“Surface” (KOB-4 7 p.m.) Mysterious sea creatures appear. Quite unlike the mysterious aliens in “Threshold,” I'm sure.
“My Name is Earl” (KOB-4 8 p.m.) My vote for the best new show on TV. Jason Lee (Mallrats, Chasing Amy) as a white trash con man trying to balance his karma by righting all his wrongs. Funny stuff.
“The Apprentice: Martha Stewart” (KOB-4 7 p.m.) Given the choice between being Donald Trump's apprentice or Martha Stewart's apprentice, I think I'd just shoot myself in the toe.
“Destination: Lost” (KOAT-7 7 p.m.) ABC starts off with a retrospective of the first season. Then, at 8 p.m., it's the season premiere of “Lost”--where we might actually get to see what's inside that *@#!ing hatch.
“E-Ring” (KOB-4 8 p.m.) What goes on behind the walls of the Pentagon? Well, for starters, I'm hoping Dennis Hopper isn't really one of the people in charge.
“Invasion” (KOAT-7 9 p.m.) In the wake of a hurricane, mysterious lights appear. Quite unlike the mysterious aliens of “Threshold” and the mysterious sea creatures of “Surface,” I'm sure.