Week in Sloth

The Week in Sloth

“Alias” (KOAT-7 7 p.m.) So, the new season finds Sydney pregnant with Ben Affleck's child? Boy, I'd like to see her wriggle out of that predicament.

“Smallville” (KWBQ-19 7 p.m.) Seems as if Clark Kent is starting off his new season sequestered at the Fortress of Solitude, trying to figure out a way to save the world. That, or he's just chillin'.

“Will & Grace” (KOB-4 7:30 p.m.) Three words: Live season premiere.

“Night Stalker” (KOAT-7 8 p.m.) A lot of things have changed since the '70s: Hair is shorter, popular music has more curse words and the vampire-hunting, mummy-busting journalist Carl Kolchak has gone from grumpy old Darren McGavin to sexy young Stuart Townsend. Ah, progress.

“What Not to Wear: Wannabe” (TLC 7 p.m.) Fashion mavens Stacy and Clinton search for their own well-dressed replacements.

“Three Wishes” (KOB-4 8 p.m.) NBC's sappy redneck wish-fulfillment series visits rural Clovis, N.M. ... If I lived in Clovis, I know what my first wish would be.

“TNA: Impact!” (Spike 9 p.m.) What the manly, sweat-soaked, beer-stained programming of Spike TV needs is a little good, old-fashioned wrasslin'. TNA provides it with this new weekly roundup of ass-whoopin' and girlie-oglin'.

Mayday (KRQE-13 8 p.m.) Aidan Quinn, Charles S. Dutton, Kelly Hu and Dean Cain make up the cast of this Sci-Fi Channel-worthy disaster flick about a commercial airliner that is accidentally shot down by a Navy missile test.

“Dave Attell's Insomniac Tour” (Comedy Central 10 p.m.) Comedians Sean Rouse and Dane Cook join Dave Attell for a little standup under the bright lights of Vegas, baby.

“Great Things About Being ... ” (Bravo 8 p.m.) Bravo's news documentary/exploitation series focusses on a different hot button issue each week like “being Muslim” or “being gay.” This pilot episode talks about how great it is “being fat.”

“Ultimate Hustler” (BET 8 p.m.) It's just like “The Apprentice”--only instead of business acumen, this reality show tests your pimpadelic skills. ... And Hillary Clinton said playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City would do nothing for American youth.

“Close to Home” (KRQE-13 9 p.m.) What the world needs now is more lawyer dramas. Like this one.

“Adam Carolla Project” (TLC 8 p.m.) Adam Carolla, whose skills up until now have consisted of giving dubious advice on a radio sex show and watching girls jump up and down on trampolines, starts his own TV fix-it show. Here, he renovates his dad's house. Well, it couldn't be any less funny than “Home Improvement.”

“Freddie” (KOAT-7 7:30 p.m.) Freddie Prinze, Jr., is a Chicago chef who finds his bachelor pad invaded by assorted female relatives, making for lots of wacky comedy.

“Related” (KWBQ-19 8 p.m.) Four sexy sisters balance life and love in New York City while trying to become “Gilmore Girls: The Next Generation.”